Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Familiar feeling(wrote this last night,fell asleep, literally ,before I could push the publish key)
That feeling that I have so been dreading, began resurfacing little by little today. That feeling that I promised myself, if I felt it again, that I would push it down and push it away should it choose to try and creep back into my being anytime soon. That feeling that I so vividly remember experiencing the morning of February 5 th of this year. A feeling that made me believe I could conquer the world but a feeling that cruelly vanished in an instance and was replaced with fear, that very afternoon. That feeling of being capable. I remember that morning so clearly. Each and every detail. The morning was filled with the usual morning stuff. Bed making, lunch making, phone call making, school dressing, laundry washing/ folding, house pick up, baby bathing ,nursing (a few times),dinner prep. and all that before 8:30am. Really. I kid you not. But I didn't miss a beat because I was feeling capable. I often told people that I finally felt as if I could take a breathe.I had no idea that morning that that very same breathe would be sucked out of me so soon. I took Joe to school then headed to Starbucks for my only vise: grande hot chocolate with whip,extra hot. High maintenance I know. But I love my hot chocolate. No coffee for me. Can you imagine me on a coffee buzz? Not what my type A personality needs.So here I am with Zoey in my arms strolling into Starbucks feeling capable and so like a regular mom. Whatever that is. I happened to run into a woman that I have seen at church occasionally. She was taken in by Zoey's smile and we started talking. When I am with Zoey I somehow always get into telling her whole "story". I have so much pride when I talk about all she has overcome. Such amazing feats for such a little soul. We talked a bit and as she was leaving she told me that running into Zoey and I was just what she needed. It gave her perspective. Something she needed that morning. I walked away with a smile. Thinking that Zoey's story and journey, however sad, difficult and hard to understand at times, seems more then worth it every time we meet someone that tells us that they are changed because of her courage and strength. I was so proud of her all over again that morning. We headed home I put her in her chair made her cereal and that's when it happened. A odd little movement that caused me to actually giggle a bit at first, ask her what she was doing" silly girl "but when she did it 6 other times, no longer a giggle from me, more like a gasp. .The day continued on but that capable feeling started to wane . And that made me mad. For 11 months we, she, I, had overcome such adversity with minor bumps along the way. When we hit a bump we rebounded quickly. Sure there were many moments of exhaustion, and balancing and just plain existing day by day but there were few if any moments where I questioned our, her, my, ability to ever be able to do any of it. The surgeries, the g-tube feedings, the oxygen, the abundance of medications and the complicated schedule, the endless doctors appointments. The other kids. My husband. It goes on and on. But I never felt incapable. And after heart surgery, after having to move, after finding one new norm after another, after so many life changing events, I felt even more capable. Not so much after that February day. And certainly not after her Infantile Spasms diagnosis. It all changed. Then came new medication, new routines, new uncertainties. So after four months and a myriad of emotions and more life changing stuff we find ourselves with all that difficult part already feeling like a life time ago. Funny how that happens. Even when we were in the midst of it and we never thought it would let up, it did, it has. As I revisit that February day it feels as if it is almost a carbon copy of how I was feeling today. But I am terrified of feeling capable again. Terrified of becoming comfortable. Just when I become capable and comfortable something comes along to shake me up, keep me on my toes and bring me to my knees. I found myself having to pray a little more today. I found myself resisting the urge to dig out that old bottle of Xanax to take the edge off. I resisted and continued on because not only do I have to but because I WANT to. God has brought to me an opportunity to embrace feeling capable again or to decide to wallow in self doubt a little while longer. I am done wallowing, wallowing doesn't do anyone , any good, ever. So tomorrow I will get up and try not to suppress that feeling of being capable. Tomorrow faced with the unknown I will choose to become my old capable self again. Even in the face of uncertainty. Tomorrow Zoey leads me by example because if she could talk she would tell us never to think we are incapable of anything. That's not allowed because not once in the last 15 months has she ever given us any reason to think she is anything other then capable. I once again owe her nothing less.