Thursday, July 31, 2008
And the changes keep on coming
I have learned to adapt to change far easier than I use to. It doesn't mean I LIKE it any better, it just means I HANDLE it slightly better. Another gift of Zoey and the lessons she continues to bring to my life,our lives.However,I used to dread change, I always looked at it as facing a loss of sorts. Why I equated change with loss is beyond me but that state of mind is what caused me to face change with such apprehension and trepidation. Anything connected with change was a desire for me to hold tighter to the set norm . That even included birthdays. Not mine, those don't faze me, however my children or parents, boy that was different story. Birthdays, can you imagine? That barely constitutes as change, that's just life,plain and simple, actually part of the good stuff that occurs. But it took me awhile to see it that way. The tradition in the house here for birthdays is as follows: Morning of your birthday you find the table decorated with confetti and balloons, your favorite candy, a new birthday outfit, a few presents and the "You are Special Today" plate. Your baby book and photo album set out to reminisce. I set it out after all the kids head to bed. I have been doing it for the last 19 years or so. Definitely a tradition. The part of the tradition that has ceased is the tears. Yep, every time I would finish setting up the table I would go through the baby books and cry. Every time. Up until about 10 years ago that is. 10 years ago I vividly remember having just dropped the girls off at school and was heading through the school courtyard when I ran in to a woman named Diane. Chances are if I were to run into her today she would not recall .as I do,our chance encounter.For me however, it was a pivotal meeting between two moms just doing their daily thing. She mentioned to me that I seemed down and was everything alright. I said I was a little off and that it was one of the girls birthday and I was feeling melancholy. Yearning for them to be little again. Regretting things done or rather time lost not doing. Feeling time was passing too quickly. On and on I went. Feeling actually sad,if you can believe it, on one of my child's birthday. She hugged me, looked me right in the eyes and said something along the lines of: embrace the change, feel joy for another birthday, smile at their growth mentally and physically, be thankful that this day has arrived and they are here to celebrate, you are here to celebrate. Diane's daughter Christina was in remission from Leukemia. Each birthday that she celebrated was truly a celebration. I never, ever cried or was sad on another one of my children's birthdays ever again. Ever. Change of other sorts continued to be a struggle but her words to me that day helped me embrace them with a different perspective. Someday I would like to run into Diane again and let her know that the few minutes she spent with me that day had had a profound effect on me. So, you ask, what change is on the horizon in the Needham household? Really, not on the horizon, actually change will happen at day break. My darling little Caitlin will be moving to San Diego tomorrow. I can't believe it has crept up on me so quickly. With her, Danny, or "Dream Boat" as we refer to him, goes too. A double whammy. They are not your average 19 year olds. Far more mature then the majority of their peers. They bring such joy to the house. Always here. Playing with the kids. Loving on Zoey. Hanging with us old folks. Just really and truly loving being here amongst the craziness. But the great big world is calling them and as her parents it's time to let her go. No choice. It's not a matter of letting, it's a matter of the actual letting go. Wings have been easy to give my kids it's been allowing them to fly that has come harder. I know one thing for certain. We have done all we can up until this moment. We have encouraged, accepted, advised, listened, not judged, given her roots ,instilled values, brought God to her, which in turn she has soaked in and given back to the world. She is strong in character, loyalty, faith, integrity,honesty and work ethic. She is bright beyond words. She is focused. She is kind. She is loving. She is forgiving. She is my Caitlin and I will miss her. But I will continue to be here for her,always. I will embrace this change, for this is how it is meant to be. I was given the gift of her to love and bring up and let go. Find her way. I have no doubt in her capability rather my capability to weather this change. I am so proud of this child. Another child of mine that I stand in awe of and question how is it that I had a part in the person they have evolved to be. I will miss her laughter and smile and quick wit but she is still really here, living breathing and taking in every aspect of this life that is hers. Not mine. This is not a loss. A change for certain but not a loss. So off she goes my second born. I am excited for her. There is so many wonderful,beautiful things waiting for her. I am so blessed that she calls me mom. I am so honored that God once again placed in my hands, with trust,the raising of such a sweet soul. It's all good girl. You will be fine, I will be fine and we will enter this next chapter together, regardless of distance. Be good, be safe, keep that faith strong and know your momma will always be here for you, always.