Friday, July 25, 2008
One of those Days
Today was an extremely strange day from an emotional standpoint. I have been trying to make sense of it for literally hours. To no avail. And trust me I don't have a spare couple hours to be pondering stuff that I will most likely not find answers to. Everything, in these current moments of our lives, is good. Really good.Zoey is good. Extremely good. The kids, really good. Mark, good too. It's all good. Except me. Not so good today. I have a blogger friend who has been in ,what I think, a very similar place as me. And me, ever great at dispensing advice but seldom taking it,doled out this bit of wisdom. I told her that she probably was suffering from a case of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. She has been doing an insanely fabulous job getting her precious daughter healthy for the last 11months,all the while trying to take care of a young son,a husband,a home and maybe herself thrown in there but most likely not. You hit a wall after awhile. Often a huge cement one. Survival mode is what carries you and once you rise from the ashes, that has become your life,the dust clears and,boom, that darn wall. Same thing happened to me last fall. We go through the crazy,unfathomable stuff that life has brought you. You survive it. Better days are strung along and look whats waiting for you ...... a wall. Makes you mad too. Because haven't you been waiting and praying for better days? Shouldn't you be eating up and savoring better days? So what's the deal? Ungrateful? Nope,definitely not. Unhappy? Maybe but ,why?What could you possibly be unhappy about when those better days that you begged,bartered and pleaded for, are right before your eyes. In fact your living those better days. Depressed a bit,most likely. Not depression in the sense of wanting to crawl back into bed or run away and hide.O.K., well, maybe that kind of depression a little. Maybe better days have lent themselves to reviewing the crappy days that you so wanted to go away. Maybe as you are living better days,like you have done before, maybe the fear of becoming too comfortable with the new look of your days,makes you feel like it's a big set up once again. Cynical most assuredly. Unfortunate by product of our Zoey way of life. All this then spirals into the guilt thing which always leads to the main deal. My faith.That everyday battle I do.Am I truly walking the walk as I so effortlessly talk? Probably not.Why though? I have so much to be humbled and grateful for. My daughter has survived things some thought she would not. My other children are living ,breathing testaments to the beauty and grace of God. My life is awesome. I am just tired. And changed. Today for the first time in a very long time, I did not like the person I have become. At least a part, of the person I have become. I have become very comfortable being alone. Cutting off those who love me and doing and living, day to day in my cocoon. Doing things all on my own.Needing no one. Thinking so conceitedly that I can take on every little thing,of everyday life and mange it all myself.It's comfortable my cocoon. It's cozy.But is comfortable and cozy always good? Maybe uncomfortable will force me to seek out God more. Ask Him for more help on days like this. Because not once today did I turn to Him and ask Him for help. If I claim that He is such a huge part of my life,why on a day like today would I not seek Him out? That darn faith thing again. Faith and walls. Adversaries of sorts. Faith keeps nudging me up and out of my comfort zone.But I'm sometimes not moving. Not an inch. I need to seek out certain aspects of my faith in order to do some healing. In order to find some peace. Peace with bitterness and resentments mostly. Peace with friendships that have changed, and relationships that have evolved, all because our lives have changed. Irreversibly and forever changed. It is that balance again between the good change and the bad change.But at the end of the day ,changed.So here I stand or sit,trying to figure where I go from here. Tonight. How do I rise above the ugliness of the day and look to tomorrow A day full of opportunity, to embrace the day just for the mere fact it is,just that, a new day.Can someone really suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome twice in one year? Or could it be that I never got out from under the first bout of it before the second wave hit.?Not sure what the deal is with me today. Just one of those days I suppose. Some might say I'm allowed. Some might say it's understandable. Some might say don't be so hard on yourself. I say,enough time spent wallowing or whatever you call what I just did. Turn off the computer,shut off the T.V,call it a day, go kiss my house full of miracles and thank Him even for a day like this and maybe most especially, for a day exactly like this.Thank you.
*Today we headed to the Huntington Library, which is not really a library but rather a former sprawling home of a very wealthy family. It houses some of the most spectacular art work from sculptures to tapestries to paintings. Beautiful gardens. Rose Gardens,Children's Gardens and the boys personal favorite, the Chinese Gardens. They were so not in the mood to pose for pictures,as you can tell.Jake was happy to hide behind Zoey but who could blame them as it was about 100 degrees. We walked a fair amount of distance to the Gardens,spent a good amount of time there and started heading back when Jake realized he forgot his much needed water. We trudged back and that's when we saw this really cool bug. Some type of Dragon Fly I think. Jake informed me that is was actually a "good thing" he forgot his water because other wise we would have missed seeing the really cool bug. That's my boy,always looking on the bright side!