Sunday, July 6, 2008
Way to late to be making any sense.
Well, it's late or maybe it's early.Almost 1 am to be exact. I tend to go to bed late anyway, usually 11:30 or so. Not particularly tired right now and I'm not sure why. I certainly should be. These days have been fairly hectic,in a good way.Mark had his birthday on Thursday and we barbecued.Always our dinner of choice for a large group. I think a good time was had by one and all. I know I enjoyed the house full,regardless of the craziness.Jess was here with Matt ,which always makes me happy ,when we all can hang out together.It is a rarity that ALL of my children are here with me so I try to take it all in and savor it while it lasts. The 4th of July found us with family again. We hadn't pushed the togetherness card too far yet. Tomorrow will be the real test as we are having everyone back again to celebrate Matt's birthday. He hails from Illinois and won't be with his family so we become a stand in. Actually that is inaccurate, as we are already his family and we love him as our own. Mike and Jean, we will take good care of him,promise. The days flew by quickly but we managed to string together some more good moments and some wonderful memories. Zoey was her amazing ,go with the flow self. She remains in such a good place and we continue to take it as that. Good days. Mindful of the ever changing ebb and flow of Zoey's world. As I delve deeper into the world of blogging I am constantly amazed by the sad but clear reality of the common place where we have found ourselves with others. The sharing of a life event that has changed the course of our lives and those that love us. I never truly believed we were the only ones traveling this road but to find, connect, pray for and SEE the faces of children and families following a shared road, be it slightly different in content, similar journeys riddled with common denominators,is nothing short of a blessing. The greatest denominator being the amazing children that have graced our lives. My feelings as I "meet" these children and families are complex and contrary to one another . Often I leave with more questions on the purpose and I find myself revisiting what I do know so well. That it is not for me to look for purpose and meaning. Difficult to digest sometimes. I have been searching lately for some direction. Some nudge. Some spirit that will consume me as to what I am meant to "do" with all "this". I do know I am meant to "do" something with this gift bestowed upon us. Zoey is a gift and because of her I know there is something waiting ,whispering for me to do. The whisper becoming ever so slightly louder lately and even though Zoey is far from where we would like to see her be, I still feel an urgency to take those whispers and turn them into something tangible. But what? And some ask,why now? On both counts the answer is the same,I don't know. But here I am at, now 1:30 am,randomly and probably more likely than not,making absolutely no sense. At all. I guess the point is this. The course of my life has been forever changed by the arrival of Zoey Grace. Even and more importantly BECAUSE of the way she came to us, I am called to make a difference. Because she has made a difference. In 16 months she has made a profound difference. As often as I can question the length of time that her and I will journey this road chosen for us, I often and equally have the over whelming feeling that our time, our purpose, will be not only be long but it will be clear. Clear with purpose. Maybe it will even hold an "AHHH" moment where I might be able to say, yes this is the reason why. As I try to wrap this up I will try to convey something to those of you who have not traveled this same road. Others may know where I am coming from.First, I would in so many ways,never want you to have to live and walk this tight rope as we have done but on the other hand ,it is only because of this road that I am who I am, that we are ,who we are. This tight rope has forced us to stay balanced and focused. Ever mindful of what we are striving for. Zoey. It's an all about the Zoey tight rope walk, roller coaster ride and dance between health and well being.I would not change it. For anything but I am changed. Mostly for the better. Some not. I have more doubt, more cynicism, sometimes more anger, not only for Zoey and the weight of her load but for the countless other innocent sweet faced children I have encountered. I have even lost a little compassion in certain situations. I have become hardened. Relationships have changed, Some have been lost. All unavoidable casualties of this war we have waged. That really my tiny warrior has fought. That makes me sad. But it is true. I have gained far more than words could ever convey. What I have gained is what I wish most to share with the world. I have a far greater appreciation for life and our reason for being here. Jessica shared with be the 5 rules for being a good disciple: 1.be compassionate(I am trying, really I am trying) 2.show forgiveness ( work in progress)3.give thanks( thankful, yes extremely thankful)4. share your faith (state of trying as at times mine is even on shaky ground)5.pray continually( I think I have this one down!IF I have told you I am praying for you , I AM PRAYING FOR YOU, promise) I really am trying to implement these into my daily life and maybe as they come easier to me I will hear that whisper as more of a shout and then and only then will I know what to do with all "this".