Monday, September 22, 2008

"This is courage bear unflinchingly what heaven sends" Euripides

As I head out each day with my tiniest love,I am reminded how deeply proud I am of this little wonder.From the moment I was able to hold Zoey in the NICU,she has seldom left my arms.I have a great difficulty in releasing and relinquishing her into the arms of others.Each Sunday as we enter church we are greeted by countless people who wish to hold her and love on her.Beside the obvious weariness of the germs that are lurking at every turn,with every finger hold or cheek kiss,I also feel an emptiness when she is not cradled within the crook of my arm.Last Sunday,a very sweet mom who always sits behind us, asked to hold Zoey.I did not hesitate but I must say I felt completely and utterly naked.When you have a child that relies 100% on you for every waking need,your bond is one that is extremely hard to describe.Impossible really.That bond even transcends that of which you have with your other children.Not a greater love and connection.Just a different one.One not easily put to words.We are blessed to qualify for respite care,24 hours a month ,that actually roll over to the next month if not used.A huge service, that I know how fortunate we are to have at our disposal.I have yet to be able to bring myself to utilize it.The thought of someone else taking are of her seems so,well,uncomfortable to me.Physically uncomfortable.Maybe one day it will feel right.But honestly,I don't know if it ever will.It is not about being a martyr.It is about finding what works for us.For me.She is my buddy,my sidekick,my partner in crime.She completes me.In every way.So, as we venture out and do our daily tasks,I carry her high in my arms.So she can see and interact and be part of her ever changing world.I even find myself hoping at times,not dreading, that people will stop and talk to us and ask about Zoey and possibly even feel brave enough to ask the questions that cause others to often turn away.I find myself wishing people would engage us in conversation so I can repeat yet again, Zoey's story and they might see and hear for themselves, the mighty spirit in a most minute soul.I want them to see that I do not wear a badge of courage I instead carry it,literally,wherever I go.


Kele said...

Well, it is a good thing I am not your neighbor...I would be fightin' to hold the ever lovely Miss Z!
I couldn't agree more, there isn't a love that is 'more' or a love that is 'deeper', in any way what so ever! But it is a different love, for our children who have endured so much!
Keep holding that 'badge of honor', you HOLD it (her) well!

Larkinsmom said...

When people ask to hold Larkin I say sure "but you'll give her back" - because you and I know they are toddlers even though they appear much younger. We know they don't have to be cuddled/held like the babies people think they are. Z & L need to be held - juuust so - because we respect their physical age even though we accept their cognitive age.

People often say "ooo can I have her" and I giggle again and say "you'll bring her back" - because you and I know the work, selflessness and love that has to go into our special girls. All people have to do is look at Larkin's counter space in the kitchen that is dedicated to her med's. :) They'd bring her back

Elizabeth said...

Hi Heather, we "know" each other from Presley's blog! I popped over today to see your beautiful daughter's face and happened to read this post. You have basically described my life! McKayla is my little side kick, aka my little "velcro" baby (attached at the hip all the time.) I love sharing my daughter and allowing her courageous spirit to encourage and educate all those we meet. She is an example of God's unending and unfailing love, I am reminded of that daily when I wake up to her smiling face. As a first time mother, I am amazed at how much more I love her than the day before and know that emptiness when I am not holding her. From the little that I have read, you are an amazing mom, Supermom seems to be the best word here! Miss Zoey is a blessed little lady to have you as family. Kudos to you for a job well done.

Pam said...

Rhett's joined at the hip with me too. Even though he can walk, I carry him alot. He doesn't walk all that well so I need to.

Not only that, but he has a really good glare for people that ask to hold him, just ask Rachel from Signing Time! He is a momma's boy.

I loved this post. There is just something about these sweet little ones that makes us so proud.

BTW, I know this is going to kill me, how close are you to Santa Monica? For some reason I thought you were further north?

ARGH!! Anyways, I am still so sad that we were so freaking close!! The thing is, is that I thought about you guys all day, thinking of the picts of Zoey on the beach. I must have known deep down that we were close to little Z!!! I could feel her!!

Next time. We usually end up down there at least once a year.

Heck, we might move down there. Rhett's lungs do soooo much better at sea level than our high elevation!!

Mia hat eins mehr said...


this one`s for you!

Mia hat eins mehr said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Adam said...

beautiful post! Thanks for your continued prayers for our family!

Sophie's Story by Elaine said...

How safe and secure Zoey must feel in your arms. It is amazing how much a child can pick up on the energy that surrounds them. I am sure she feels your positive energy throughout the day...your positive outlook on life. She must love being your little sidekick.