The Face of Courage

I wish I could be posting that everything is better.That everything has blown over and that everything was settling into a new, manageable norm.I wish I was posting that this is all one humongous nightmare and we have just woken up to find it all a dream and that life is just as it use to be.But not today folks.That would not be the true and accurate picture of the Needham's reality.Today found me facing the very stark reality of our lives and the lives of those around us as we continue to do battle with cancer.Today found all of my children,in their own ways, trying to live their lives as if nothing has changed when in fact, everything has changed.Today found me once again ticked off at the world.Not just for me.Not just for my family.My children.I am ticked off for others, like Zoey's new roommate.A little sweetheart that I have fallen in love with.A little sweet heart that has found her way into our world by chance or fate.You decide.She is the 4 year old daughter of Taylor's manager at In n Out.Yep,a great big world out there.A huge hospital and beside us,one curtain pull away is Taylor's boss's child.So strange.She won't be our neighbor for long however.I wish I could say she was heading home but unfortunately she has been diagnosed with Neuroblastoma and will head over to 4 West when a bed opens up.Sad state of affairs when ALL the beds are full of children with cancer.Today I wore my "Leukemia Sucks" t-shirt.Do you get the idea how very,very fitting and painfully true I believe that statement is tonight.As for Zoey.Pictures speak for themselves.She is the hero in this often sad tale but at the same time she is the one and only, that keeps smiling,keeps battling and keeps all the negative stuff at bay.She puts us all to shame,especially me, with her courageous coping skills.She leaves me tonight begging God to show me the way.I feel beaten and broken tonight and so uncertain of my ability to see this through with the grace and dignity that Zoey so deserves.Personally,for me,tonight is one of the darkest of the last three weeks.I feel lost,scared and alone.I feel shame,anger and down right despair.But when tomorrow comes,I will,wanting or unwanting,I will,get out of bed,put one foot in front of the other and face the day that lies before me.My disposition will perhaps not prove to be pretty but I will be present in the day.Like it or not.Keep Zoey close at heart and prayer as we have moved to yet another antibiotic for her g-tube site.The 4th one.The big guns have been brought out to ensure that things do not go bad ...quickly.With a white count of 0,things can and are a bit nerve wracking.Not that you would know it by looking at her.She is beauty and light and that should be enough.And on most days it is.Today though,I yearned to bring her outside.To go to the park.To pick up the boys.To spend time as a complete family.To just do those mundane,everyday things.Not happening.Not for awhile.So for now,I pray like crazy and have faith that this too shall pass.Sooner, than later, would be nice but I will settle with eventually.Wish I were filled with a lighthearted tone this evening but I am nothing, if not honest.Brutally often.Tonight thank you for tolerating the rant ......or breakdown,hard to say which one it was.But ..thank you nonetheless.Oh and some extra prayers for little Madison.Our roommate.Tough week they are about to embark on.They could sure use some extra prayers coming their way.