Monday, March 2, 2009
Today I was reminded once again why Zoey is my hero ....
I very reluctantly stumbled,or was that rolled,myself out of bed this morning at 4am.By 5am,the birthday girl and I were heading down the 101 on our way to CHLA.Ungodly hour if you ask me but what can you do.The events of the day were complicated and emotional and have left me both physically and mentally exhausted.I will start by saying:we are home.Yep,a no go on round 4.We didn't make the numbers ... again.I think I have decided to not even say when we are going down for a round until we are actually admitted.It becomes a real build up and then a huge let down.Do not get me wrong.I love to be home.We get comfortable and regain some semblance of normal.For a few brief moments I even find myself almost believing we are past this whole ordeal but on days like today,wham,reality check.Hated that the little love started her day hours before she normally does.Hated that she had to have that darn port accessed.It hurts like you know what, I am sure.Hated that on this day,her 2nd birthday,she had to return to the very place that found her fighting for her life as a brand spanking newborn.Life hit her hard that day two years ago and today was no different.After we found that her ANC had only gone up by a nominal amount,it was decided that although her 4th round would not start as inpatient,they would go ahead with the lumbar puncture,with chemo.In addition,and this is the biggest thing that I hated,they decided to do a bone marrow biopsy to make sure she was still in remission.Yes, I used the other "R" word I dislike and I dislike it mostly because it seems to imply,in my opinion, a false sense of security. However, the "R" word they used next,that I dislike even more is:relapse.The use of that word sends shivers down my spine and causes me to want to throw up.Seriously throw up.But that was the reality of the day.They needed to make sure that there was no other underlying cause for her ANC to be dawdling the way it is, other than her bone marrow still recovering.Like for instance:nasty leukemia cells.Can I tell you how extremely stressful it was waiting HOURS for those results?Can I tell you how disappointed I was in myself that my big talk of relinquishing control became just that:big talk.I was a mess.No doubt about it.I paced.I cried.I conjured scenarios in my already,vivid imagination.I lashed out at people.By days end I had made my rounds to make apologies to 3 different people.Today I learned that I am not as "all good" with what ever happens as I profess to be.I will indeed always hit head on what comes our way,whatever comes our way.I will have plan and action but I may most assuredly, have a break down before getting there.And today I kinda had a breakdown.I tried to pray my way out of it,I really did but to be perfectly honest,it didn't help the way I had hoped.Before we even received the results I was totally and utterly disappointed in the manner,or lack there of,by which I handled things.And the end result for the little princess:still in remission.The BEST birthday present I think she could have received.Today I spent a great deal of time holding Zoey tight and talking to her.Letting her know how brave I think she is.Remembering her birth 2 years ago,as I glimpsed her ever so briefly in the delivery room,telling her I was sorry.I told her I was sorry again today.A lot.I can't fix her and I often feel solely responsible for all she has had to endure.2 years ago I could not hold her as she had a double body exchange.Yes,it is exactly what it sounds like.All of her blood taken, 10cc's at a time,replaced 10cc's at a time and then done again.Today I could hold her as she cried and cried from the pain in her little pelvis from her biopsy.Today I could hold her as she smiled once again at me through her morphine haze.Today,at the end of the day I could hold her and rock her, as she finally gave into her exhaustion,though not before I could once again tell her how very blessed I am to be her mom and how extremely brave I think she is.How extremely brave I KNOW she is.Happy birthday sweet Zoey you are my hero.Today and always.
*Pictures:Zoey with one of her favorite things, crinkly paper,courtesy of our friend and Zoey's vision therapist,Christi,who is in the blue shirt holding Zoey.Continue down for more birthday celebration pictures.