This Side of Chemo ...

I have to be honest,I really thought things would look different from the other side.I thought my days would be spent wondering and worrying about Zoey's future and the dreaded "R" word ... relapse.I thought I would spend an exorbitant time pondering the what if's and contemplating life if leukemia decide to show it's ugly face again.But I have to tell you,I have spent little or no time at all thinking or talking about any of it.Maybe it's denial or avoidance.Perhaps burying my head deep in the sand.Maybe it's shell shocked exhaustion.Maybe it's just the mere fact I do not have a single moment to stop and think at all.Or perhaps it is the amazing grace that once again envelopes me when I truly relinquish control and see this life for what it is and that is:an absolutely beautiful life.A single look at Zoey and one could see nothing else.I find myself eager to reenter the world.Go where we want, whenever we want.Unrestrained from rules and the paralyzing paranoia of germs and crowds.I am planning and contemplating outings and activities.I am anxiously awaiting the day I can stroll into Starbuck's and Target,Zoey in tow,no mask and be a regular mom,doing regular stuff with her children.I long for the time we can all go out to dinner.Which, as a family of 8 plus boyfriends and soon to be grandchild,is incredibly insane but I cannot wait to say "Table for 10 plus 2 high chairs please".These are the simple things I long for and we are getting there,little by little.Taylor graduates on Friday,outdoors,so we all will be going.Yes,even Zoey.Life on this side is still hectic and crazy and ever so busy but beautifully busy.No tubes and lines.No late night vitals.No sleeping bag and bench to sleep with and on.No communal bathrooms and trust me,I miss that the least.I do however miss intensely our friends who are still walking their journeys.I call and check in and have planned visits already.And as for Miss Zoey ... she hasn't missed a beat.She looks healthier than she did 8 months ago.She has MORE hair than she did 8 months ago.She has reached milestones that we could never have imagined she would reach, 8 months ago.Her road ahead will be scattered with other obstacles.That is a given.That was a given from her very first breath.But today,at least she has been blessed WITH a road.We only have 10 months left of Early Intervention.We intend to capitalize on that to the fullest.OT,PT,Vision and feeding therapy, as she has become totally g-tube dependent, as well as whatever else we can get our grubby hands on.She has barely been able to begin Early Start due to all her challenges.Flat on back for 6 months until heart surgery.Recover,therapy for a few months and then BAM,Infantile Spasms.Recover, a few more months of therapy and then BAM,Leukemia.My heart cannot take one more BAM,thank you very much.So, as we begin our walk on the other side,we walk with confidence and faith ,as our eyes are fixed on the future.We have our first post chemo clinic appointment on Monday.Poor baby will have to be accessed again.She hates that.That appointment will lay out her post chemo plan.How often we have clinic.How often we check labs.When her port will be removed and when will we be able to say "Been there.Done that"When will we be able to say Zoey is cancer free?When will we truly be able to breathe deeply and say this is done?Monday we also have a follow up neurology appointment with Dr.Shields at UCLA.He hasn't seen her since September ... he is NOT going to believe what has gone on in the last 7 months.I think he has been fairly impressed with the resiliency of this child before cancer became part of her medical history.Lord knows what he will think now!Zoey has been blessed with seizure freedom for a whole year now thanks to Topamax.A drug that no one thought would work.Including Dr.Shields.There is not a day that goes by that we are not filled with complete gratitude and humility for that gift.We are totally loving life on the other side.We continue to be blown away by the tenacity and courage of this small child.We continue to be filled with hope in the future and fully intend to savor the moments and days here on the other side.