Monday, December 21, 2009

Serenity ...

It's been an interesting few days here.Miss Zoey continues to keep us guessing and as of this morning,we have no answer as to what is going on with her.Nothing in your face has shown up.No fever.No cough.No sniffle.No throwing up.Nothing.And that is beyond frustrating.For, only those of you that have walked the road of cancer know,there is always,always this nagging little feeling that you just cannot escape.And that,I hate.

She continues to be pale and tired.Not herself in the least bit.Each morning I awake praying to find her better and for the last few days I have been greatly disappointed.So much so, that yesterday we thought it was time to call her doctor who happened to be on service this weekend.Thank God.The saint that he is,met us at his office,mind you,on a Sunday and gave her the once over.He checked her out from head to toe and still .. nothing.He even did a clear catch urine cath and as he was looking at it under his scope I was so praying for a UTI but no.We have been going easy on her feeds,thinking her tummy is bothering her and it looked as if she was ever so slightly de-hydrated so in the end he wanted me to do a Re-Hydration Protocol which entailed us giving her 500 CC over 4 hours of a mineral/salt solution.He also sent her for labs.Uggg.I hate blood work and what's more,I hate waiting on the results.But off we went,on a Sunday, to our local hospital.Luckily he called ahead and there was a technician waiting for us to do the draw.So no excruciating ER waiting.Have I mentioned before what an incredible pediatrician we are blessed to have?I mean he seriously goes above and beyond for these kids,his kids.

Zoey was poked for the second time this week,much to her dismay.In fact the entire morning was traumatic for her.She has really gotten to be so scared and so aware of when we are in a medical setting after all she has been through.Her little heart starts beating fast and she starts sighing really heavy and holding on super tight to me.I feel so bad for the little girl sometimes and as I sat,holding her down for her urine cath,I was really angry.I feel in so many ways,enough is enough.

We left the hospital and headed home to decorate our poor neglected tree.We made smores and listened to Christmas music and I waited patiently or maybe that was impatiently,for her doctor to call.Finally he called to say things looked OK.Her platelet's are down a bit.Hemoglobin down a bit.White count down a bit.Lymphocyte's down a bit,which is good because last Monday they were high,making us think she was fighting or had been fighting something.Maybe that is indeed all we are seeing now but yesterday,I told her doctor that I felt as if I was in the Twilight Zone as this little episode is eerily reminiscent of last October.And that,I hate more than anything.

Once again we are in a wait and see mode.This being chalked up to a virus,which I know, in the logical portion of my brain, is highly likely but remember that illogical portion,that portion that has seen too much and knows too much?That portion is very difficult to ignore in these moments.

For now I have no choice.For now I trust in Zoey.In God.I circle back to what I have known for a very long time and that is:I never had the control to begin with.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

--Reinhold Niebuh

*Pictures:Jess with one of her very first ornaments ... she was and still is,such a cutie.Jake putting on his angel ornament that he bought on his own this year for a family gift... he is such a sweetheart.Joe ON the counter,admiring the ornaments yet to be put on ... he is such a "busy" boy.And Miss Zoey and Taylor,putting on a pediatric cancer research butterfly ornament ... Zoey is such a miracle and Taylor is an incredible big sister.Just missing Miss Caitlin.She and that little grandbaby of mine will be here tomorrow.We cannot wait.


Stephanie said...

Oh my friend we feel you. We are also in hurry up and wait mode. It stinks, but I love the realization that we really never had the control to begin with. I needed that today.
I hope Zoey feels better soon. Still a few healing days to go before Christmas.
Hang in there, and no matter what, we're always here.

Michelle said...

Oh sweet friend, sorry Miss Zoey hasn't been herself. I hope and pray she kicks whatever is trying to take her down! I will call you tomorrow my dear for a pre-Christmas hello! Love and miss you! xo

Sandy said...

Thanks for the update. I wondered how little Zoey faired through the week-end. She looked so pitiful on Friday.

Happy Holidays!

scrappy quilter said...

It's so hard being a mother. I ache inside for our C. Although she isn't sick, her heart is hurting so badly. I wish I could change things for her, I can't. So I trust God to do what I can't do. I'm trusting God to take care of your little princess and do what you can't do...make those numbers be okay, give you peace of mind and heal cancer in each little one that you care so much for. My prayers continue for Zoey. Hugs and love

Krissy said...

Wishing, hoping and praying that miss Zoey feels better and she gets over whatever this is really soon!

Sewconsult said...

Praying for Zoey. Hope she will perk up quickly & give you peace of mind. Merry Christmas & a healthy 2010.
Beckie in Brentwood, TN

Cammie Heflin said...

Well, at least it sounds like things are okay! Praying sweet girl improves soon! We love you Zoey!

Lacey said...

Sitting on the counter, that looks like my house!! I can't imagine the feeling after having cancer. Everytime she gets sick just wondering if the beast has returned. I can't begin to know how that feels, just know that we love you, and miss Zoey will show you the way.

Denise said...

You are right.....these kids definitely keep us guessing. But you have checked all that you can check so just try to relax. Ella had a follow up blood draw today as well and although her platelets are low (37), thankfully her hemoglobin remains good (10.6). Hopefully it really is just a virus and she will be right as rain come Christmas. Hang in there.

Dana Janowicz said...

Feel better little angel.

Tina said...

Oh god I understand that nagging feeling at the back of your mind, the logical says one thing and illogical says another, but it's these illogical ones that bring in all the negative energy, so hard hard as it might be try and push away any negative thoughts, and surround Zoey with positive energy.I hope you get to the bottom of what she has really soon so you can find some peace.
I have Miss Zoey in my prayers, that she comes through this really fast and is back to her normal lively self, there's nothing that makes us happier than seeing our little ones smile at us first thing in the morning, and knowing they are healthy and safe. God bless and a happy Christmas.

Googsmom said...

{{{{{{{{{HUGS ZOEY}}}}}}}}}}

Judy said...

I haven't checked on you in a few days but I just saw your post. I'll be saying extra prayers for you and Zoey. It stinks to have to wait and see...
Take gentle care of yourself, my friend. We have you covered in prayers and love!

Jeana said...

Prayers that Zoey will get over whatever she is dealing with right now. So glad you all get to be together for Christmas. Love the Christmas card!

just jean said...

I totally understand that nagging little feeling that sometimes trumps reason. Thankfully,you've had recent blood tests that all were fine. We'll keep her in our prayers for a speedy recovery back to her charming self.
Love the tree....AND the smores eating!

Anonymous said...

So sorry Zoey is still under the weather. Her doctor does sound awesome (so dedicated and attentive) Hoping she kicks this yucky whatever soon.

Love, love the photos - everyone decorating the tree. And making smores! Mark - kudos to your choice of shirt! Go SU!! Of course it made me think of you & your sister making smores at the bon fires at Otiso Lake when you were growing up (ahem ...a couple of years ago)!! :)

Heather & everyone - just know you are enjoying seeing Caitlin and "little Charlie". Thinking as I bog this, they must be with you..
Guessing there will be some new photos of your granddaughter soon!

Love & hugs to everyone


stephanie said...

Big Sigh! I don't know how to spell the sound that just escaped my body. That Zoey, boy oh boy doesn't she know the meaning of a dull moment?
Honestly my Christmas wish for you is a beautiful dull moment. I'd give my left arm for one.
another wish , that Miss Z gets back to herself pronto!!!
Love and prayers!!! Always.

Tish said...

Amen. We are also saying extra prayers to Thomas to look after my girl. We pray that Zoey is feeling 100% again in time for Christmas.

We love you.

Monica said...

Hurry and get well precious Zoey!!!!

Monica said...

Merry Christmas to your and your precious family. I am sending my prayers for Zoey. She's tough and has a family who takes wonderful care of I have every confidence she will be herself very soon.

Bri said...

I love this! I really like the string ring! What a great idea!

Anonymous said...

Wishing the Needhams a VERY VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS & the HAPPEST OF NEW YEARS - Hope Zoey and Heather are feeling better. Prayers to you all. Would you like a little snow for the holidays - we got quite a bit yesterday (they called for 1-3 and I think we got atleast 6, if not more!!!)

The Root's from Otisco Lake

Ruby's Mom said...

Merry Christmas!!!!

Bea Braun said...

Hi Heather and Mark,

Just catching up on your blog and am very distraught to hear of Zoeys not feeling well. We pray for her every day, and at every mass, but today we will say extra prayers. Enjoy your family and the love and peace that only God can provide.

Anonymous said...

Praying she perks-up soon.


Anna said...

thank you for posting the whole serenity prayer. Just beautiful. Hoping little Miss Zoey is feeling better by the time you read this. Im sure youve peeked around looking for new teeth? Maybe it is "after the shot" symptoms. Several people I know had some after they got theirs. This mommy is praying......