Serenity ...

It's been an interesting few days here.Miss Zoey continues to keep us guessing and as of this morning,we have no answer as to what is going on with her.Nothing in your face has shown up.No fever.No cough.No sniffle.No throwing up.Nothing.And that is beyond frustrating.For, only those of you that have walked the road of cancer know,there is always,always this nagging little feeling that you just cannot escape.And that,I hate.

She continues to be pale and tired.Not herself in the least bit.Each morning I awake praying to find her better and for the last few days I have been greatly disappointed.So much so, that yesterday we thought it was time to call her doctor who happened to be on service this weekend.Thank God.The saint that he is,met us at his office,mind you,on a Sunday and gave her the once over.He checked her out from head to toe and still .. nothing.He even did a clear catch urine cath and as he was looking at it under his scope I was so praying for a UTI but no.We have been going easy on her feeds,thinking her tummy is bothering her and it looked as if she was ever so slightly de-hydrated so in the end he wanted me to do a Re-Hydration Protocol which entailed us giving her 500 CC over 4 hours of a mineral/salt solution.He also sent her for labs.Uggg.I hate blood work and what's more,I hate waiting on the results.But off we went,on a Sunday, to our local hospital.Luckily he called ahead and there was a technician waiting for us to do the draw.So no excruciating ER waiting.Have I mentioned before what an incredible pediatrician we are blessed to have?I mean he seriously goes above and beyond for these kids,his kids.

Zoey was poked for the second time this week,much to her dismay.In fact the entire morning was traumatic for her.She has really gotten to be so scared and so aware of when we are in a medical setting after all she has been through.Her little heart starts beating fast and she starts sighing really heavy and holding on super tight to me.I feel so bad for the little girl sometimes and as I sat,holding her down for her urine cath,I was really angry.I feel in so many ways,enough is enough.

We left the hospital and headed home to decorate our poor neglected tree.We made smores and listened to Christmas music and I waited patiently or maybe that was impatiently,for her doctor to call.Finally he called to say things looked OK.Her platelet's are down a bit.Hemoglobin down a bit.White count down a bit.Lymphocyte's down a bit,which is good because last Monday they were high,making us think she was fighting or had been fighting something.Maybe that is indeed all we are seeing now but yesterday,I told her doctor that I felt as if I was in the Twilight Zone as this little episode is eerily reminiscent of last October.And that,I hate more than anything.

Once again we are in a wait and see mode.This being chalked up to a virus,which I know, in the logical portion of my brain, is highly likely but remember that illogical portion,that portion that has seen too much and knows too much?That portion is very difficult to ignore in these moments.

For now I have no choice.For now I trust in Zoey.In God.I circle back to what I have known for a very long time and that is:I never had the control to begin with.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuh


*Pictures:Jess with one of her very first ornaments ... she was and still is,such a cutie.Jake putting on his angel ornament that he bought on his own this year for a family gift... he is such a sweetheart.Joe ON the counter,admiring the ornaments yet to be put on ... he is such a "busy" boy.And Miss Zoey and Taylor,putting on a pediatric cancer research butterfly ornament ... Zoey is such a miracle and Taylor is an incredible big sister.Just missing Miss Caitlin.She and that little grandbaby of mine will be here tomorrow.We cannot wait.