Monday, October 22, 2012

To blog or not to blog, that is the question ...

I am kinda blogged out. After 805 posts over the last 4 years and countless drafts sitting unpublished, I am a tad bit burnt out.

See, the thing is, blogging use to be so effortless. I looked forward to sitting down at the end of the day and purging the days events. For better or worse, here was a place I could come and finger peck these keys, and find some semblance of relief from what was weighing heavy upon me. Was I always able to be honest about my life and what was going on? Nope. Not entirely.  As a dear friend of mine puts it, there will always be "unbloggable" things in our lives. Always. And most people that are in the blog reading circuit know, what you read is not all that is. As much as many of us try to be open and honest, to maintain the integrity of our spaces. We will never just put all things out there for the entire cyberspace to see and more importantly, judge. So we write, what we can and that is usually that. Until now.

 This is the first picture I ever put on the blog of Zoey. This was my little girl lost. Sad times for sure.

Now, I find myself asking, what should I write about? And Lord knows that the time I spent here, I could be using to work on other areas of my life that have been neglected. Areas that need nurturing and healing. The least of which sometimes, might be me. And quite frankly, who cares? Who comes and reads. And who still finds that the words I write, the stories I share, are of any value whatsoever? Not that the caring and value part is why I began blogging in the first place. But I do wonder. I remind myself, when i get to wondering, that I actually began this blog in March 2008, while in the throws of trying desperately to retrieve my one year old from the darkness and haze of Infantile Spasms. Not for anyone. Only for myself. I was angry and lonely and just wanted a place to write. At the urging of a savior I met online after googling 'Infantile Spasms', Little Wonders came to be. And along with it came gifts I could never, ever write of or do justice to. Friendships, irregardless of blogging, that will be with me for always. These 805 posts have become my families scrap book of sorts. Without all the time consuming cutting and cropping and chotchkies that come along with that. Instead the memories are bound and in print, in colored photographs and sitting on my coffee table. A permanent record of our days and life events, that other wise I could never have documented. That alone is priceless.

And, within those pages, in those 805 posts, there is a mirror pointed towards myself. A refection of who I was and what I became, through days of joy and despair. And sometimes I like what I see, other times, not so much.  So where to go from here? Not quite sure exactly. I need to think about it. Decide the direction I want Little Wonders to go. If any direction at all. At one time it was all Zoey, all the time. Especially during crisis. This blog was a place to see the human spirit at it's rawest and most exposed. This blog was about a girl that showed that the indomitable will to survive was greater then the heinous things thrust upon a tiny and innocent child. There is, whether I wanted it to be or not, there was and continues to be something so inspiring about that.

So I am at a crossroads of sorts. Been here before where blogging was concerned but this, this, is different. Requires some thought. So that's what I intend to do. Sit on it awhile. And this week will be a perfect time to do it. My dad is having surgery. My sister is flying in from Texas and life will be busy, busy. Not that it isn't always crazy busy, but this next week, extra busy and requiring any left over pieces of me, which there is seldom reserve, but what extra I can muster, will have to be directed elsewhere.

So I leave you with a video. It started as Jake playing a new 'Rush' song on his acoustic, but if you watch it closely, despite the darkness, you will see a glimpse, just a teeny-tiny glimpse of the constant energy and vibe within the walls of my home. Please note Joe. My perpetual in motion child,  who at one moment, is literally diving into the forefront of the video. That is my boy. 24/7. And then there is Zoey. My Little Wonder. Darling and sweet and the love of all our lives.

 (For those not familiar with these blogger videos, Hi Aunt Bluebell, click on the box on the lower right of the video after you have hit play and it will bring it full screen for you)

video

So there it is. My crossroads. I have been at harder junctures in my life for sure but this, this is actually turning out to be a harder decision then I thought. Really is. Oh what is a blogging girl to do?

30 comments:

Anonymous said...

I've enjoyed and learned from your blog. My grandson has some issues -- I've felt more able to help my daughter deal with them after reading what you and other writen.

Anna said...

praying for you, as always.
I would love to continue to watch Miss Zoey blow all the Drs theories out of the water. If you dont continue here I am praying we will see it on FB. (Im not much of a FB fan but have been trying harder since our oldest moved) I have also been wrestling with this topic and will enjoy seeing where you end up.

Joyce said...

You my friend can not stop blogging. Maybe you can do something like Sarah and I are currently doing where we post random pictures of a week or two with a few comments. There is not nearly as much writing involved but it helps others as well as you perhaps, to see just what your life looks like. It is inspiring and sweet and adorable and lovely and I just can't bear the thought of you leaving the scene. Please??!!??

krlr said...

Well now, this is simply NOT OK. We just met! We haven't even managed to have lunch yet! How will I get my Zoey photo fix? No one expects a daily essay, but pleeeassse don't leave us. Please?

Lindsay Marie said...

I've always enjoyed reading your posts. I love reading updates on your family and Miss Zoey. I understand how busy life can get (I'm a full time college student) and will respect your decision, whatever that may be.

Kristin said...

I think about not blogging all the time. But knowing that it is my primary source of commincation with Max's birthmom, I continue. Plus, like you mentioned, it really is an amazing life history. I published my first two years posts and then deleted most of them. Still need to get the last couple printed.
Even if you cut back, please don't stop :)

Elizabeth said...

My advice is to blog only if you love it and certainly don't worry about whether people care or not. If it's served your purposes and only feels obligatory, then stop doing it, particularly if you feel like it takes away from other areas of your life that you "should" be working on.

Blogging for me is an extension of me at my most creative -- a springboard for my offline writing, a way to communicate to like-minded souls, hopefully a beacon every now and then for those who need it and utterly relaxing --

Sandryte said...

I feel like we, blog readers, haven't given you enough of feedback and encouragement through comments (like me - I only read but do not comment). Of course, you shall listen to your heart, but your story, the things you share (Zoey life, the way you feel etc.) are important and inspirational. Most of us read your blog because our paths are similar in one way or another, and it helps me when it's difficult.

Think about a little pause - this way it won't look so sad and permanent. And maybe you will change your mind in the end :)

Anonymous said...

Wonderful video, thanks for sharing!

Emma said...

I too loved reading your wise words but since I haven't commented in ages you might think I've given up on you. I assure you I'm still reading, just haven't got around to commenting. But yes, I do pray you will find the words to blog about Zoey and the rest of your family still, because I know it will bring us all joy.

Blessings,
E x

Stephanie kaczmarzyk said...

Um, i need you here so you must continue. let's not bring this subject up again... ok?

Love and hugs

Cammie Heflin said...

I'm feeling the same way, only a handful of people read my blog and we are friends on Facebook so things I want out there already are. I can't post pix of a very important member of our family and that makes things difficult. I would be lost without reading other people's blogs though so maybe that is how everyone feels??? Love you!

Peter Olson said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, words of wisdom, photos, videos, family, strength, and love.
I have been blessed. (And I know that I am not alone.)
:-)

Honestly, I don't know how you do all that you do.
Ha! Ha! You are simply AMAZING!

And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ.
Colossians 3:23-24 (NKJV)

I pray that God will continue to bless you and your family (as you have all been a HUGE blessing to us), and that you would continue follow your heart and the Spirit's leading in "whatever you" decide to do. Amen!

:-)

Have a great day!

Rosemary & JC said...

I am a lurker...friend of a friend. I love the honesty of your blog, and of course, I love keeping up with the Little Wonder, Zoey!

Michelle said...

Heather - I don't even remember now how I came across your blog but everytime I visit you there, I am so thankful that I did. Even when you think you have nothing to say, you say something...you are like us...sometimes we don't think we have anything of value to share and yet one tiny nugget of a post or conversation with a friend can make a huge difference. You - your family - of course these need to be first...especially you taking care of you. But I hope you will not stop blogging all together. Even though we have never met, I would be so sad to lose touch with you. Wishing you all the best and may you find peace in whatever decision you make. Michelle

Bea Braun said...

Well I don't mean to be selfish......BUT, I love seeing your videos and seeing Zoey grow, and watching her interact with everyone, and hearing about all the wonderful things your kids are doing, and reading about your adventures.....However, you have to take care of you, and do the things you love and enjoy because you deserve it. Thanks for posting the great video. There is a heck of a lot of movement happening in your house :)

Anonymous said...

Well - the final count is: no stopping the blogging!

Loved the video, thanks for info for full screen - noticed even Lola (dog) was "rocking" But the most "rocking" was from little Miss Zoey Grace - she just loves her "big" brother Jake's music. Yep a rising rock star in the making! Thanks for sharing that with us.

Maybe you could do a scaled down version with a couple of lines & some photos once a week? We in blog land will be happy with anything you can offer...

Bluebelle
(PS) it was super taking to the boys on Sunday while at the "lake" with Mark's parents. Zoey also "talked" so darn cute She
even attemped to say Bluebelle. BaBa works for me!! awesome!

Good luck to your dad with his upcoming surgery. Great Leslie is coming to lend a hand. Was that her on couch in video?

colleen said...

Sounds like blogging is becoming work. Perhaps leaving it open ended and blogging only when the mood strikes and seeing if you "miss it" or develop a new rhythm. I find myself checking in quite often and as I have said in my comments that I think your writing has been amazing over the past few months ( in my humble opinion) You ( and your words) will be missed if you stop, but if that is what you need to do, by all means do so! Thinking of you and may your dad's surgery be effortless.

Claudia said...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Don´t stop. How can I catch up with your family then?

Please, don`t stop.

I know those thoughts....but I think for a lot of people, this place means I lot. For me, it does.

Kisses to you all!
Claudia.

Claudia said...

I forgot to say, good luck for the surgery!!!

Anonymous said...

Even though the majority votes for "don't stop blogging" the answer has to come from within yourself - you need to do what you feel is right for you and your family. Listen to your heart. (but a picture or 2 now and again would be nice - those of us in the East love seeing how everyone has grown) (Still waiting for the book to be published!!)
Robyn from Otisco Lake

jan said...

blog if and when you want. even if it is only every whenever, we'll still read :)

Just Another Ordinary Miracle said...

Ditto sister. I hit the wall a few months back, I guess you know that. Keep it up. But only when you can. When its right. Ilook back over ours and see that growth too. It's her baby book of not-so-normal milestones. They are things not recordable in a store bought book. And, I'm not a scrapbooker. This has made me a saner person. Maybe. Good things are going on every day and I haven't wanted to miss them trying to simultaneously do this. But I'm drafting them too. Keep your record. We are going to want it some day. But do it now for you in the manner of what works best and the memories you want o sear into your mind and share , or just remember to remember with your family.

By the way. I heard that song loud and clear yesterday.
That song that makes you think of Ivey.

....she took her first step......

Laurie said...

keep on blogging, you inspire me, your family inspires me, and I love watching your miracle grow.

Meg said...

Another reader who enjoys your blog, but does not comment. Of course you need to do what works for you and your family, but count me among those who would be sad not to have this glimpse into your life and family. You are a great writer and provide a very beautiful and balance perspective on life.

Life and Times . . . said...

I started reading when my husband's cousin Meghan (who used to write Our Jackers) asked for prayer for Zoey. I've read ever since. I have learned so much from your writing, and while I cannot even pretend to understand what y'all have been through, your journey has opened my eyes in ways I could never imagine. You have a beautiful family, and whether you choose to continue or choose to stop sharing, know that what you've shared thus far has been much appreciated.

Cole said...

I'm with Elizabeth- if it is taking away from YOU- not giving to you- then it might be a time for a break. But maybe it doesn't have to be all or nothing. I am certain people read you- even if we aren't able to post all the time. I know what you mean though about wantng a direction. I'd been thinking about changing my blogs direction too. Especially after Emma's birth. I wanted my focus to be on the ordinary afters- not so much the Oh My God's- and not a focus on just Abigail- I want my life to go on documented- not just a part of it if that makes sense. Although I'm having a hard time changing it, or moreso- finding the time to change it. Breaks are good too though. I've taken months of them and then come back refreshed if unsure whether to go back over the last few months or start fresh. I love that you've printed yours- how did you do it? I intend to- but haven't yet. I see the blog as a gift to my children one day. To know how much they are loved when I'm not there to tell them.
Ok- sorry to make your moment about me- just wanted to emphasize and say I'm in the same mindspace. Love to you friend- wish we could share a cup of coffee and a piece of cheesecake and ponder it all together! xoxox

Merideth said...

I always come read you....just to check on y'all. But as someone that is TERRIBLE at maintaining a blog (ME) and lives in awe of someone that has done so well with it (YOU) I can understand and respect that you may need a break. I love you and your family, I hope somehow there is a way to keep in touch with your family just to see how everyone is doing.....and that video was awesome, thank you for sharing!

Much love
Merideth

PS I am pretty sure I have told you this before, but you are one of the only other families I know (other than mine) that owns a red "You are Special Today" plate. I love it!

thepiersolfamily said...

Love you Heather. Just want you to know I'm here. You will make the right decision. I have loved your blog. Xoxo still can't wait to see you.

Gabriela said...

I was here, my thoughts are with you. I understand you, but I would miss you and this thin band over the sea. Gabriela, with love