To blog or not to blog, that is the question ...

I am kinda blogged out. After 805 posts over the last 4 years and countless drafts sitting unpublished, I am a tad bit burnt out.

See, the thing is, blogging use to be so effortless. I looked forward to sitting down at the end of the day and purging the days events. For better or worse, here was a place I could come and finger peck these keys, and find some semblance of relief from what was weighing heavy upon me. Was I always able to be honest about my life and what was going on? Nope. Not entirely.  As a dear friend of mine puts it, there will always be "unbloggable" things in our lives. Always. And most people that are in the blog reading circuit know, what you read is not all that is. As much as many of us try to be open and honest, to maintain the integrity of our spaces. We will never just put all things out there for the entire cyberspace to see and more importantly, judge. So we write, what we can and that is usually that. Until now.

 This is the first picture I ever put on the blog of Zoey. This was my little girl lost. Sad times for sure.

Now, I find myself asking, what should I write about? And Lord knows that the time I spent here, I could be using to work on other areas of my life that have been neglected. Areas that need nurturing and healing. The least of which sometimes, might be me. And quite frankly, who cares? Who comes and reads. And who still finds that the words I write, the stories I share, are of any value whatsoever? Not that the caring and value part is why I began blogging in the first place. But I do wonder. I remind myself, when i get to wondering, that I actually began this blog in March 2008, while in the throws of trying desperately to retrieve my one year old from the darkness and haze of Infantile Spasms. Not for anyone. Only for myself. I was angry and lonely and just wanted a place to write. At the urging of a savior I met online after googling 'Infantile Spasms', Little Wonders came to be. And along with it came gifts I could never, ever write of or do justice to. Friendships, irregardless of blogging, that will be with me for always. These 805 posts have become my families scrap book of sorts. Without all the time consuming cutting and cropping and chotchkies that come along with that. Instead the memories are bound and in print, in colored photographs and sitting on my coffee table. A permanent record of our days and life events, that other wise I could never have documented. That alone is priceless.

And, within those pages, in those 805 posts, there is a mirror pointed towards myself. A refection of who I was and what I became, through days of joy and despair. And sometimes I like what I see, other times, not so much.  So where to go from here? Not quite sure exactly. I need to think about it. Decide the direction I want Little Wonders to go. If any direction at all. At one time it was all Zoey, all the time. Especially during crisis. This blog was a place to see the human spirit at it's rawest and most exposed. This blog was about a girl that showed that the indomitable will to survive was greater then the heinous things thrust upon a tiny and innocent child. There is, whether I wanted it to be or not, there was and continues to be something so inspiring about that.

So I am at a crossroads of sorts. Been here before where blogging was concerned but this, this, is different. Requires some thought. So that's what I intend to do. Sit on it awhile. And this week will be a perfect time to do it. My dad is having surgery. My sister is flying in from Texas and life will be busy, busy. Not that it isn't always crazy busy, but this next week, extra busy and requiring any left over pieces of me, which there is seldom reserve, but what extra I can muster, will have to be directed elsewhere.

So I leave you with a video. It started as Jake playing a new 'Rush' song on his acoustic, but if you watch it closely, despite the darkness, you will see a glimpse, just a teeny-tiny glimpse of the constant energy and vibe within the walls of my home. Please note Joe. My perpetual in motion child,  who at one moment, is literally diving into the forefront of the video. That is my boy. 24/7. And then there is Zoey. My Little Wonder. Darling and sweet and the love of all our lives.

 (For those not familiar with these blogger videos, Hi Aunt Bluebell, click on the box on the lower right of the video after you have hit play and it will bring it full screen for you)

So there it is. My crossroads. I have been at harder junctures in my life for sure but this, this is actually turning out to be a harder decision then I thought. Really is. Oh what is a blogging girl to do?