Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Long overdue picture and a random post

Well, I started building my wall today. Wall? you say. Your thinking , I know Heather is multi-talented, well versed in many areas but construction, I had no idea! No,No not that kind of wall. My wall of self protection. It is something I do when I soon will be facing some possible big revelation on Zoey's medical  home front. Usually a week to any number of days before an important doctors appointment I start my wall. I slowly start shutting myself off from the phone , answering the door, going outside and even stop contact with the most intrical people in my life. It's just what I do. Not very healthy I know but my mode of operation and my method of coping. It is strictly based in fear. Fear of the unknown and the uncertain. A way of not facing questions, not facing a breakdown right in front of someone who has no idea what to say to me because really what is there to say. Everyone WANTS to say everything will be alright but we all know thats what we hope not necessarily what will be. The only thing I sometimes want Mark to do for me is tell me that she is going to be alright, always and forever and it breaks his heart because he just cannot, no matter how much I want to hear it , tell me it is all going to be alright. I spent a great deal of today just gazing at her. Sitting with her, playing with her. Sometimes, yes, even feeling sorry for her. Mostly just marveling in her sheer perfection because to me she is just that, perfect. I came to an acceptance a LONG time ago that Zoey's life was not going to be as the other childrens will be. I was and continue to be fine with that. What I and most parents of children such as Zoey, struggle with and find most difficult to accept, is the possibility of a shortened time with them. Time we feel is entitled to us when in reality we have been promised nothing. With these children  or any of the others we have or any other of the people we love heart and soul. When I accept that aspect of this life we live, this earthly life, then I will be able to stop building walls and instead build memories in the days I so easily and effortlessly waste away frightened by the uncertain. Until that day my wall building will continue. Maybe the fact I recognize it is one step closer to acceptance. I leave you with this darling picture of my little love from this evening. She is so serious as of late but she is amazing. She amazes us each and everyday. 


www.prayingforparker.com said...

I am sending you big hugs. And the knowledge that there really is someone out there that totally knows and understands where you are coming from.

jotcr2 said...

I really hope the EEG comes up with a good result. We didn't have an improved EEG initially, but it did mean that they knew to change the course in treatment to something that thankfully worked. I know exactly what you mean that you want someone to say everything is going to be OK. I used to tell my husband to tell me that. Even though I knew it was just lip-service, it somehow helped.

jotcr2 said...

I love the photo too! I miss grow suits, they are so cute.