Sunday, May 11, 2008
At days end
Today was filled with a wide array of emotions. The most prevalent was joy. Something that has been quite hard to find lately. That and peace. Strangely enough I found peace at numerous times in the day. Now if I could only come up with contentment then I would feel as though I was on to something. That something might just be acceptance. Acceptance has been something I feel I have purposely avoided. Maybe because I feel it would mean that all that has happened to Zoey, to us, has been okay with me. I am certainly not okay with it but perhaps I have to truly look for a compartment within myself where I place the events of the last year and let them dwell there. Not to forget them but not allow them to define me. Us. Her. Giving room to other places within me so that I can allow joy, peace, contentment and acceptance to cohabitate together more often. Today I found joy in my children. Pure joy. Watching them laugh , their faces full of life and beauty. Today I felt some semblance of peace. Which is again odd because I have lived so often for the last year, in such an unsettled state, that unsettled has just become comfortable. Contentment goes hand in hand with peace. However, I often think of contentment as settling just for the here and now and I know for sure that the here and now is not where I want to stay indefinitely. There has been a bit of acceptance today. A knowledge that if I don't let acceptance in a little more often, then bitterness may totally take over and that would be just another unfortunate by product of the last year. So the emotions of the day were not as horrible as in days past. Sadness, anger and fear did creep in every now and then. Zoey's seizure's were not nearly as bad as yesterday but still present. Maybe not as violent as yesterday but present nonetheless. The dose of her new medication is really low still so I can't really attribute the seizure reduction to that. So I will just take the day for what it was, a better seizure day. She was really out of it though, lethargic. Not our little Zoey . That is the part that made me sad. It is going to be a long road I fear but with faith in God , which I must admit has been difficult at times, with His Grace and His guidance I have to believe He will lead us to the place we are all meant to be. I had a wonderful Mother's Day. A really wonderful Mother's Day in spite of all the uncertainty occurring right now in our lives. I will give the credit to God today, for I have no other explanation . I ask God tonight to continue His work within me so I can continue to find joy, peace, contentment and acceptance more often. Pray for us. Added prayers for Mark. The most recent seizures have hit him harder then before. Watching her struggle has been more difficult on him lately. I feel we are going through a little role reversal this time around . God perhaps is giving me strength to allow him to play out his emotions and feelings. It is a role I gladly take on. Mark has carried me so often this last year and I love him all the more for that. If I am able to keep it together more often so he can fall apart every now and then that I thank God for helping me stay strong. Tomorrow is a new day. The unknown , the uncertain but maybe because of the range of emotions of today I am more equipped to face what ever it has in store for us. I leave you with the photo above . A tattoo not from the wild days of carefree youth. Instead a recent acquisition. One done August 12th 2007, the day before Zoey's open heart surgery. Done on a whim but with no regret. Done as a tribute of sorts. One done to share as a permanent reminder, just as the scar that would remain on Zoey's chest would remain on ...... me. A reminder of peace given to a restless body and the peace I still so often yearn for but perhaps lies before me in the not so distant future.