Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Going with the flow ....
I had always considered my faith to be fairly strong. My belief in God and the Son He gave and sacrificed for us, was the corner stone by which I raised my family and lived my life. Or at least tried to. I failed often and fell short of my own expectations and most certainly His. But the really cool thing was I knew He understood and I knew He forgave. Then came Zoey. That faith that I believed to be so strong, so impenetrable,quickly started springing leaks. One minute I was cursing Him and the next minute I was praying like crazy. Confused to say the least. I disappointed myself by my actions and my words. I know I disappointed my girls. I tried to hide my doubt in this "bigger plan" thing but there were often moments that I just could not hold it in. I remember vividly wanting to take down my cross collection that we have on one of our walls. I remember vividly telling Mark, "What if this is just one big joke. One gigantic hoax. I remember Mark vividly standing there with his mouth gaping wide open. What does a person begin to say to someone that says something like that? I remember sitting in the NICU with Zoey, rocking endlessly, ticked off at the world. A Chaplin happened to peek his head in and I quickly asked, "Did my husband send you?'' He sat. We talked. For a long time. God's grace replaced my resentment. The Chaplin stood and said, "Your husband didn't send me but someone else did." Thank you Chaplin Steve. You changed me that day. There were more moments of doubt that followed over the next year. Many more. But that day when Chaplin Steve allowed me to vent and scream and doubt, he didn't judge. He said it's o.k. God can take it. He expects it. In fact, if Steve had found me in that rocker, with a smile on my face just singing the praises of our God, then he really would have been worried about me. Instead he found a mom. Grappling with the place that she had found herself, her family, her child. Seeking answers. Questioning purpose. Normal. Completely normal. My faith journey continues today. Constantly seeking peace.Peace for a journey that has often felt so unsettling. So uncertain. It all has circled back to control. Faith and control. Where there is true faith then there can no longer be the desire and need to have the control. I was an absolute control freak before Zoey. I felt if I didn't wield the control, then I would lose control. Something had to give and the easiest has been the control. Losing faith wasn't an option. How sad would it have been if an additional casualty of this journey had been the total lose of my faith. It has been a battle I have waged on and off for a year and a half. Faith usually wins. Most of the time. Questions linger. They always will. One day I hope to have a sit down with God and clear up a few things that have weighed heavy on my heart. Parts of this life's journey that have been so difficult to digest, not only as they pertain to me and my family but for countless others just like us. My brother once recommended a book called "Letters From a Skeptic." Haven't found my way to a book store yet but maybe one day. Maybe one day it will help with the questions. For now our days continue. One after another. I cherish them more then I use to. I pause at the simple things, more then I use to. I give thanks for my blessings more then I use to and seek forgiveness when I take them for granted. Our moments are sweeter because my faith has been strengthened. Yet another gift of Zoey's grace.
"As faith is strengthened,you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will and you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit." Emmanuel
* I love finding Zoey in this sleeping position. It is so strange to not find her on her back! This picture is so deceiving because it makes her look so big and she is so ....... not big!