Sunday, July 13, 2008
Two years Ago .....
Two years ago today, I found out I was pregnant with Zoey. I remember sitting in my car, stick in hand,looking in disbelief. Yes, my car. It was my second pregnancy that I basically tested on the road.I traveled to our local drug store,urine in hand, or rather bottle, purchased the test, performed the test and sat wide eyed with 2 bold lines staring straight back at me. Why my car? I have no idea. Maybe because if I had to scream ,no one would have heard me. Joe,our fifth, was the first time I had gone through this weird parking lot ritual . Not truly unexpected the first time,so, not as much of a shock. Zoey,well,she was the second time and yes much more shock value with that one. I think"my advanced maternal age" had a great deal to do with the shock. After Mark and I shared the news with a few people during those first couple days,I think the reality settled in and we began to plan for the arrival of child number six.We allowed ourselves to become excited and looked forward to welcoming another little one into our lives.My pregnancy was very "if'y" those first couple weeks and once we got out of the danger zone and I, past some horrendous morning sickness, we felt like it was going to be smooth sailing from then until delivery.At least we hoped. By my 20 week ultrasound the smooth sailing quickly turned into a rough, wavy, tumultuous,voyage. Quite honestly, the journey up until now has resembled much of the same.The past two years have passed quickly in some respects and not quick enough in many others. Some moments are as clear and as vivid as if they were part of yesterday's moments, while others feel as if they were a lifetime ago. In some ways there is not a thing I would change about this road traveled but in other ways when I stop and think about what we have had to watch Zoey endure, it is often too much to even wrap our heads around ,let alone our hearts. My other children have had to see first hand the fragility of life and at their young ages ,have had to entertain the real possibility of having to say good bye to a little life they have come to love heart and soul. That has been beyond my comprehension.Having to watch all of my children pass through this dark time has been more then this mother has been able to handle at more times then I wish to recall. Then, there is the my faith. Complex and confusing to say the least. Strong at times and so weak at others. Essentially non existent in some moments. Those moments took me by surprise. Those moments left me ashamed. Those moments found me full of more questions than answers. Two years later I am not so sure that I still don't have more questions than answers,but that same faith has grown and evolved. I am trying daily to balance my faithfulness to God and His plan with my humanness and my ties to this Earthly journey. Two years ago how could we have ever imagined the things that were to come. Would we have transcended and survived had we known then, what we know now? Two years ago, as this little miracle grew inside me, her path already determined,something deep within me,whispered and told me that this was to be different. Different ...... quite the understatement. Zoey has brought more to our lives then we could ever,ever convey to anyone. We are, who we are today because of her.She is who we have been waiting for all our lives, to pull us all together, into the strong family you see before you. Two years ago I was filled with such an over whelming sense of uncertainty . Today the uncertainty continues to creep in but doesn't consume.Two years ago, for the first time since I began having children,I questioned my ability to be a good mother to all of my children. Questioned my ability to give to each one of them ,all that they needed. Today, I feel confident and capable and I hope they have as much trust in me ,as I am beginning to have in myself. The moment I took that test two years ago ,I knew life was about to change. Two years ago we found out that a child would be coming to us and not because of some innate strengths we possessed but rather to show us our shortcomings,our weaknesses. She has managed in her 16 months to teach us and show us the way.Continually pushing us forward to dig deep and persevere.She is in a constant state of digging deep and persevering. Look how far we have all come in two years Miss Zoey Grace. Thank you my love, for lighting and leading the way.
*Zoey in her new car seat and Mark and some of the kids at the Dodger Game