Monday, September 15, 2008

From the inside looking out ......


On some days, when the kids are out front playing with the other neighborhood children and I am not able to be outside with Zoey because housework is beckoning me, I place her in her saucer thingy and let her observe the melee ensuing. Zoey loves being an observer. She absolutely soaks in all that surrounds her. Like a sponge. All the crazy chaotic happenings. She is extremely connected to the world around her and I know she is taking in far more then I could ever imagine. Today I captured this picture. This moment. First of all, I loved how Lola was sitting beside Zoey, peering out into forbidden territory with her. Kindred spirits for that moment. This certainly is not often Lola's mode of operation where Zoey is concerned either. Too close for Lola's comfort most of the time. Except for today. After I took the picture I stood back for a moment, set down my camera and crossed the kitchen floor to go out and sit along side my angel girl and view life from her perspective. The second I sat down, she turned in my direction and flashed me that trademark Zoey smile. I told her how much I loved her and then the tears came, just like that. Unexpected and without warning. I realized at that moment, that this picture I captured, could sum up how I feel Zoey's life can often be. We hear the saying, "from the outside looking in" but in Zoey's case I see it in reverse. I watch her look wide eyed as the children cross in fluid, rapid motion before her. So close in proximity, arms reach really but so far away on so many different levels. Many of the children are years older then her but two little girls are just that, barely 2.Not much older than Zoey but a world away,a galaxy,when it comes to what they can do and what they understand.A wide spectrum, with huge discrepancies on how all three interact in the very same world.These two little girls, might as well be years, not months older. The girls wander over and approach the gate from time to time, stick their tiny little arms through the gate and in unison say,"baby".Yeah,sort of.They pause,quickly pet the puppy and off they go.The lure of the adjoining bedlam no match for a girl and her dog.Zoey's little head continues to turn feverishly back and forth trying to keep up with the constant activity before her.Her little body shudders and shakes,full of excitement just watching.She is perfectly content.I sometimes, am not.Will this be the way it is always?An observer.Watching as things pass her by.As all the children just pass her by.She is truly in her own little world.What must go on in her precious mind,inside,as she looks out into the world that just keeps going by?Sad?Yes,today,in that moment I was sad.She of course was not.Is not.I want so much for the world to stop and wrap it's arms around her and carry her with it,where ever the winds and tides and roads lead.I wanted to say,hey,kids come here,come pay attention to this sweet little girl that would just love to run along side you but can't.Not today. The key for me is to believe that some day she will.That my faith will allow me to continue to believe that His plan, for her, is one I in fact cannot question. But rather proceed with the utmost confidence that His plan is the perfect plan.There was another mom today,three thousand miles away choosing to believe,when humanness would be telling most to ask,what is the point?And still yet another mom this evening,who should have been in bed but instead was calling,to talk for a few minutes about another emotionally exhausting day.I know for certain she too is choosing tonight to believe in purpose and plans."For I know the plans I have for you,"declares the Lord."plans to prosper you and not to harm you,plans to give you hope and a future."Jeremiah 29:11 I have got to believe this.I just have to.One day perhaps it will not be about outsiders looking in or even still, others gazing from within their vantage place out towards seemingly untouchable corners of the very same world.Instead a middle ground,a meeting place.Common ground.Different but so very much the same.

7 comments:

Larkinsmom said...

And I ache. Baby. We know our girls aren't "babies" but yet that is the title they are given by their peer group.

And I cry with you. Woman to woman, mom to mom, heart to heart.

Love you and Z girl.

kristyc said...

I had tears streaming for you and your sweet Zoey after reading your post. I feel that Zoey's wisdom is much greater than the other children who come by. Her fight for life is much greater than many adults could handle. She is precious and so very very lucky to have such a kind, caring, nuturing, and protective mom in you Heather. hugs and love.

Cleo said...

Zoey is so happy to enjoy every moment. Her awareness is one of her best strengths. What a lesson!!!, to simply BE here, in the present moment, free from thoughts about the past, free from worries about tomorrow, just being who she is, simply enjoying the now to the fullest. Heather, God doesn’t make mistakes. You need Zoey as much as she needs you. Zoey is a blessing!!!, she is here to teach you about what is REALLY important in life, transforming your life one day at a time. :)

Kele said...

I had similar questions today. Seeing other mommies with their babies, at Presley's peditricians office. My heart aches at times too. At times it is hard to believe in 'His perfect plan', we want so much for it to be what we want. When I ache like this, when I have days and moments like your moment with Zoey today, I just have to reflect on my life ~ know that He has never failed me, and He won't fail me now...especially not when it concerns these little loves of ours.
I wish I could hug you today, even more I wish I could GET a hug from you today.
You and Z are never far from my heart.

Mary said...

Check out this song. I love it and think it fits with what you might be feeling...well, at least how I feel at times.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8lnoK2UYTQU

Christie Nacole said...

Wow, It took everything for me to not cry reading your story. I love coming to your blog and reading your words. You are truely inspiring. I know what you are feeling, maybe not as a mom, which undoughtedly is a much sronger bond, but as a sister. I watch Max in that same way sometimes. He is six now but every child that ever sees him calls him a baby. In so many ways he is so much more like a baby but we all know he really isn't. His body and mind just doesn't work the way we would all like for it to, for him and so he can have a 'normal' life filled with experiences and hope. But he teaches me so much more then any adult sometimes. He is full of love and sweetness. I love how you put scripture in your writing. You are so right, we need to all remember that Gods plan is what is important and there is truely no way we will ever know His plan before it actually happens so we have to go with it and pray he keeps us patient. Keep writing so many inspiring stories. You truely do encourage. Thank you for that.

Mia hat eins mehr said...

You know, I am really out of words here. I know this moment, I know these feelings and these thoughts. Aren`t these the moments, somebody shows us what is REALLY important in life? Zoey showed you that you are loved.