Chemo Begins ......

How to begin.So much to be said and no adequate words to say them with.I am home.Mark insisted I go.I hated to but in the end I knew it was the right choice.I have only slept about 12 hours over the last 3 days and haven't eaten anything since Monday.Not proud of it,just the truth.I needed to come home to see the boys.The girls too.They were coming home with their boyfriends.Jess and Matt took the boys trick or treating.The boys were so excited.All my kids,under the same roof together ...except Miss Zoey.At one point tonight though, I almost told everyone to quiet down because the baby was sleeping and as I sit here, it feels so strange to not have the baby monitor right next to me to check on her every once in awhile..my routine that has so abruptly changed.However,I really should head upstairs to shower.Another thing that I have not done over the last few days.I should be falling over from fatigue but a weird second wind has hit.I think I am afraid of going up to bed and not hearing Zoey's gentle rhythmic breathing.Afraid to see her empty crib or look at the darling stuffed owl that Caitlin bought her but can't give her because your shouldn't have stuffed animals that could be potential sources of dust,germs and mite type things.Caitlin also bought all of us beautiful journals.Even the boys.A place to jot down our thoughts ,fears or to simply vent.so sweet that girl of mine. I left about an hour after they gave Zoey her first dose of chemo.The first is in pill form that is dissolved and given via her g-tube, twice a day, for 4 days.The second is given intravenously through her port,continuous, for 96 hours.I have checked in with Mark a few times,ok,more than a few.She is doing great.Right after I left she was smiling and waving to nurses.I am trying not to take that personally.No, I am just thrilled she was perking up.Danny and Caitlin stopped by the hospital on their way through from San Diego and she even handed out kisses.The past two days, Wednesday and Thursday, just wiped her out with tests,procedures and all the blood draws.Because we caught the leukemia in it's early stage,her numbers aren't horrible and her spleen is not enlarged and she is beginning this whole "thing" feeling physically healthier then some kids do.We have no idea what the next several days will hold.Hard to say when some of those nasty side effects will show.For today we are so thankful that the afternoon held glimpses of our sweet little girl.Emotionally,now that chemo is under way,for today, I feel a sense of peace.Not necessarily that I have come to some acceptance of the path that her life is taking,or the detour that has been thrust upon her but for at least today, the unfathomable reality of the total lack of control I have in this part of her journey.Maybe if perhaps I came to the realization of my complete and utter lack of control in the ENTIRE journey then maybe that sense of peace would be present in more of my days.This child is amazing.Her strength is truly my strength.My other children are amazing.As I glanced around the living room tonight, I felt such pride in these children as well as sadness that our littlest member was not here also.Taylor said that even the dog is acting strange.Taylor said Lola has been walking around the house whining.Lola might seem disinterested in Zoey but she knows that that little person that rolls all over the floor trying to get to her ..... isn't here.I want to leave you with a little story.Wednesday,when I was waiting for Zoey to get out of the biopsy surgery, I headed down stairs.On my way down from the seventh floor,the elevator stopped at the dreaded 4th floor.On walked a woman.She and I were the only ones on and we said hello and I asked if she had a child there on the 4th floor.She said yes and I just started crying and said I would probably be heading there later, with my own child.We parted ways.20 minutes later we found ourselves together once again in the elevator.As we headed up, people began to unload one by one.We got to the 4th floor and she didn't get off.Three floors later she got off with me.She took my arm and said"I was going to get off at 4 but I saw you and knew you were having a hard time.I want to tell you that you will get through this.God will see you through this.Be present in this moment.Here and now.The rest will follow."She gave me a hug and returned to the elevator.That moment was one I will never forget.The minute or two that it took her to outstretch her hand and heart to me,were minutes that will forever be with me ... forever.Well,I am fading fast here and a tub or shower is in order.Again, thank you one and all for your support and love.Thank you your prayers.Today I would like to think that those very prayers were responsible for the little reemergence of our Zoey Grace.Tomorrow,another day,prayers of strength and peace to my little loves body.Prayers of healing.As she goes I go.That ever changing ebb and flow of Zoey that is my gage and compass.I go with her.I always will.I am strong because she deserves no less from me.I am strong because she is my little hero.Keep fighting my tiny warrior.Momma is so proud.