Friday, October 31, 2008

Chemo Begins ......

How to begin.So much to be said and no adequate words to say them with.I am home.Mark insisted I go.I hated to but in the end I knew it was the right choice.I have only slept about 12 hours over the last 3 days and haven't eaten anything since Monday.Not proud of it,just the truth.I needed to come home to see the boys.The girls too.They were coming home with their boyfriends.Jess and Matt took the boys trick or treating.The boys were so excited.All my kids,under the same roof together ...except Miss Zoey.At one point tonight though, I almost told everyone to quiet down because the baby was sleeping and as I sit here, it feels so strange to not have the baby monitor right next to me to check on her every once in awhile..my routine that has so abruptly changed.However,I really should head upstairs to shower.Another thing that I have not done over the last few days.I should be falling over from fatigue but a weird second wind has hit.I think I am afraid of going up to bed and not hearing Zoey's gentle rhythmic breathing.Afraid to see her empty crib or look at the darling stuffed owl that Caitlin bought her but can't give her because your shouldn't have stuffed animals that could be potential sources of dust,germs and mite type things.Caitlin also bought all of us beautiful journals.Even the boys.A place to jot down our thoughts ,fears or to simply vent.so sweet that girl of mine. I left about an hour after they gave Zoey her first dose of chemo.The first is in pill form that is dissolved and given via her g-tube, twice a day, for 4 days.The second is given intravenously through her port,continuous, for 96 hours.I have checked in with Mark a few times,ok,more than a few.She is doing great.Right after I left she was smiling and waving to nurses.I am trying not to take that personally.No, I am just thrilled she was perking up.Danny and Caitlin stopped by the hospital on their way through from San Diego and she even handed out kisses.The past two days, Wednesday and Thursday, just wiped her out with tests,procedures and all the blood draws.Because we caught the leukemia in it's early stage,her numbers aren't horrible and her spleen is not enlarged and she is beginning this whole "thing" feeling physically healthier then some kids do.We have no idea what the next several days will hold.Hard to say when some of those nasty side effects will show.For today we are so thankful that the afternoon held glimpses of our sweet little girl.Emotionally,now that chemo is under way,for today, I feel a sense of peace.Not necessarily that I have come to some acceptance of the path that her life is taking,or the detour that has been thrust upon her but for at least today, the unfathomable reality of the total lack of control I have in this part of her journey.Maybe if perhaps I came to the realization of my complete and utter lack of control in the ENTIRE journey then maybe that sense of peace would be present in more of my days.This child is amazing.Her strength is truly my strength.My other children are amazing.As I glanced around the living room tonight, I felt such pride in these children as well as sadness that our littlest member was not here also.Taylor said that even the dog is acting strange.Taylor said Lola has been walking around the house whining.Lola might seem disinterested in Zoey but she knows that that little person that rolls all over the floor trying to get to her ..... isn't here.I want to leave you with a little story.Wednesday,when I was waiting for Zoey to get out of the biopsy surgery, I headed down stairs.On my way down from the seventh floor,the elevator stopped at the dreaded 4th floor.On walked a woman.She and I were the only ones on and we said hello and I asked if she had a child there on the 4th floor.She said yes and I just started crying and said I would probably be heading there later, with my own child.We parted ways.20 minutes later we found ourselves together once again in the elevator.As we headed up, people began to unload one by one.We got to the 4th floor and she didn't get off.Three floors later she got off with me.She took my arm and said"I was going to get off at 4 but I saw you and knew you were having a hard time.I want to tell you that you will get through this.God will see you through this.Be present in this moment.Here and now.The rest will follow."She gave me a hug and returned to the elevator.That moment was one I will never forget.The minute or two that it took her to outstretch her hand and heart to me,were minutes that will forever be with me ... forever.Well,I am fading fast here and a tub or shower is in order.Again, thank you one and all for your support and love.Thank you your prayers.Today I would like to think that those very prayers were responsible for the little reemergence of our Zoey Grace.Tomorrow,another day,prayers of strength and peace to my little loves body.Prayers of healing.As she goes I go.That ever changing ebb and flow of Zoey that is my gage and compass.I go with her.I always will.I am strong because she deserves no less from me.I am strong because she is my little hero.Keep fighting my tiny warrior.Momma is so proud.

12 comments:

Kele said...

That was the Lord talking to you through that lovely lady, you do know that don't you? If not, He sent me to tell you!!!
I sent Jess 3 blog button choices and the html codes that go with each of them ~ so we can get this blog world submerged with this baby girls picture...
Love ya girl and kiss my Z~

Kele said...

BTW, Taylor may not approve of my buttons, and that is okay... I can tell you guys how to do it, it is simple.
Taylor, Ms. President and CEO of the blog button committee (LOL),if you would rather make one with a different picture or font, just call me when your at a computer and I will walk you through it, it is pretty easy!! Or you can just send me the photo and I can do it and you can approve or disapprove as we go.. ;-)

Cheri said...

I agree with with Kele...that encounter...completely the Lord wrapping his arms around you, I am so thankful this woman gave in to the nudging of her heart so she could delivery you that message.

I am so grateful Zoey showed glimpses today of Zoey!

Did you see the button I sent you for Sara Rose Tutus?...part of the proceeds go to helping The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. I want to purchase one for Zoey, email me so I can have it sent right to your home.

I have the Sara Rose Tutu button up on my blog already and will put a Zoey one on as well as soon as you guys have picked one.

Hugs to you,
Cheri

Alison said...

I hope at this point you have had a shower, a little food and some sleep. We are praying you through another day.

Alison
& gang

Carey said...

I'm glad you got to go home. I remember how awful it was to be home without the baby. So empty. I'm glad she's smiling and waving, that's terrific!

I'm glad you found someone to make you a button, I wish I knew how to do it myself!

What kind of chemo is she getting? I'm wondering if she's on a study, maybe the same one Chels was on?

Try to get some sleep, hugs to you both!

Reagan Leigh said...

Heather,
I'm so glad you were able to take a few moments for yourself today to refuel. You need your strength as much as little miss Zoey needs hers. And how wonderful to finally see some of those smiles again (and waves and kisses)?!?! We're still sending constant prayers for you both!!
Love,
Tera

Anonymous said...

Love and prayers to all of you so far away, yet always on my mind. I wish I could be there to help with the boys. Heather, take care of yourself or you won't be any good to any of your family...a little motherly advice.
Love Barb..Mom

Anonymous said...

Remember, if you do not take care of yourself you will not be able to take care of Zoey. Because she is so young Zoey will adapt quickly to her new surroundings and because the people she loves and trusts most in the world are there with her she will find her inner balance. We are all praying for Zoey to have the quickest and best response possible to her treatment. We are also praying for strength for you and the rest of your family as you navigate these new waters and find your new normal. Hang in there, have faith, and know that there is an army out in cyberspace praying for all of you!

Ami G

Cleo said...

Heather, the power of your LOVE for Zoey Grace will give you all the STRENGTH you need to help her in every step during these challenging times. Trust that everything all the doctors and nurses are doing for her every day is exactly what she needs to win this fight. Stay in the present, stay calm, strong and positive. Any kind of negativity in trying times is your enemy, you need only friends now, you can train your mind to be your best ally by not giving room or any space to any bad thoughts and/or feelings. Think positive, keep replacing the bad thoughts for good ones, reinforce the positive again and again.
Give all your power and energy to the positive thoughts and emotions, stay as much time as possible in a positive and proactive state of mind. It is very important you continue to have FAITH in Zoey Grace, in her strength and in her full recovery. Trust with all your heart and being that Zoey Grace is going to be OK and she will ~ , all of you will get through this.
Sending prayers of strength, healing and peace for Zoey Grace and you!!!. (((HUGS)))

Kristen said...

Hello. I saw your blog posted on another blog that I follow. My son, Ethan, has Ds and also had leukemia- ALL. I see you also know of Kennedy. If you ever need to talk to someone who has been through it, please don't hesitate to e-mail me and I will send you my number. God bless you- I know it's hard, but keep the faith.

Kristen Faulkner
faulknerkd@gmail.com
www.faulknerfam.com

Anonymous said...

Heather, good to hear that you have some precious moments at home. All environments are likely surreal at this point and that will even out too. Loved to read that Miss Z G is smiling and waving and being her usual charming self. Thinking of you and praying constantly, I see God's arms wrapped around each and every one of you. Am very touched by all the comments and support you receive, Christi Harman

Theresa (kele's friend) said...

Heather,
I'm praying for you and Zoey as well as your whole family. I love the story of the lady in the elevator, and know as others do that was the Lord hugging you. So glad to hear that there were smiles and such from Zoey. Made me smile thinking of her sweet smile I have come to love so much. I'm amazed and thankful for you in continuing to post your blog. I will continue to check back in and look forward to hearing more stories of God's love for you all. Praying for you when you can't.