grace:elegance or beauty of form,manner or motion

I wish I could say there were an overpowering emotion that charted the course of my days but the truth of the matter is, that my emotions seem,well,somewhat none existent.I believe by necessity, my days just go in a weird self driven manner.The days go because they have to and I go because I must do the same.Make sense?If it does,good because I don't think I understand it myself.Some would say I am being propelled by adrenaline.Survival mode.Some would say it is denial, motivated by self protection.Some may say it is just good old fashion shock.Me,tonight,I think I choose to believe it is grace that is sustaining me.Some may say I may be in for a rude awaking one of these days and quite frankly,they are probably right.Don't get me wrong,I often think my days are spent walking in the foot steps of some other persons life.I cross the threshold of the 4th floor elevator doors and cannot believe my child has cancer.The big "C" word.The, no not me, that must be someone else's sad chapter of their life but most certainly not my life.But no,this is my life,my 20 month old baby daughters life.Yet another unbelievable but undeniable diagnosis.My true feeling can be summed up in a shirt that my dear friend Tera sent me.I plan on getting a few more.It is so me and is so appropriate.And, sorry mom, if you are reading this,I know you have always hated this word but the t shirt I will be wearing tomorrow reads "Leukemia Sucks"...... I like it,short but sweet and straight to the point.So, you see, if I am left with my thoughts, this seemingly unemotional state is actually riddled with myriad of inexplicable feelings.I am certain that this is part of the process,part of the journey.Can I just say that this latest lesson,if that is what it's called,is one that I am not enjoying much.No one on that floor is.Especially the precious children.All of them so deserving to be far, far away from the place that they have found themselves.Today I am thankful that my heart has allowed grace to penetrate it's slightly hardened exterior.This grace that moves me and fills me,this grace that allows me to function and get out of bed each and every day, is a gift given by one who exemplifies the meaning of the word.Miss Zoey GRACE is my teacher and although I find myself apologizing to her for having to be labled with such an enormous title,I am so blessed to have been chosen to be her mother.I reap the rewards of that role daily and I intend to not let her down ..ever.So today it's grace.Tomorrow, well,I can't promise you it will be as pretty but I can promise you for it to be just as authentic.As for the little patient.Doing her thing.Happy and still smiling.Her numbers are scary low today.White count 1.1 and her ANC is 240.Half of yesterday and tomorrow probably will be zero as I suspected.The doctors are pleased as her counts are doing exactly what they should be.Blasts,which measures immature blood cells,are at 0 and platelets and red counts are down as well.Zoey is text book in the protocol thus far and our prayers are that this trend continues.It has to continue.And the home front ...... burn out is happening already.Joe didn't want to go to school so my friend who was watching him just let him hang out.Taylor is maxed out.She is trying to be mom and trying to remain a 17 year old.She is doing a phenomenal job.Above and beyond.But she is tired.We have a slightly tentative schedule for the up coming weeks so hopefully the kids and all the people who have so generously and selflessly stepped up to help,can have some type of constant.I am tired,Mark is exhausted.The other girls worry from a far but check in daily.We wish we could all be home together.No such luck.I am off to finish laundry and get a jump on lunches tomorrow.All is quiet.Just me and my thoughts.Not always a good choice but tonight fatigue may win.Once again a very humble thank you: to all of you who come and lend your support here with comments and prayers.To all of you that do not comment but come to check on our little princess.For the countless emails and phone calls.To Maureen who stopped by tonight with a very generous gift of gas cards from your mom's group.Please give your group a HUGE thank you from us all.What a nice way to end my day.To our family and friends,new and old,near and far,thank you,thank you.We have a long road ahead and your support eases the travel.We could never,ever reiterate that enough.Keep all the prayers and good vibes coming.Remember,"it takes a village" and this village that surrounds us surrounds Zoey, amazes and astounds us.So don't stop ..... okay?