Saturday, November 8, 2008
"I shall persevere in spite of everything,and find my own way through it all,and swallow my tears."Anne Frank
The house is eerily quiet.Jess has headed home.Taylor is at work.I turned on the TV for company.The boys are settled into bed after books.Calming effect on us all.I,dozing in mid-sentence as exhaustion hits, the moment my body comes to rest.In addition to a few books of their choosing,we are reading "A Cricket in Times Square".I love that book.One chapter a night and we are almost done.The stillness of the night is a stark contrast to the events of the day.The stress that has permeated the house is palpable.I began the day with expectations.First mistake.I figured I would be so thrilled to be home that I would surely make the most of my short time here.Instead I teetered on the edge of full on panic attacks all day.My children,once again did not get the best of me.Mark and I decided,well actually Mark decided,I should spent one more night at home.Reluctantly,I agreed.I will head down first thing in the morning for Mark to get back in time to take Jake to CCD class before church.They will go to church at 11am and then Mark plans on taking them bowling and filling the day with some much needed distraction.Something I failed miserably at today.I sit here with guilt once again that I have failed my children in one way or another.Especially the little guys.Joe sobbed when I put him to bed.He begged me to stay home another day.His behavior,as witnessed by Jess and Taylor also,is the worse it has been in months.We all,him especially,have worked so very hard at keeping his temper and behavioral issues at bay and well,it's all back, with a vengeance.Jake is a stress case too.Thinking he is hiding it but absolutely transparent to me.Once again I found myself repeating,to the boys, something from Zoey's NICU days, which was"It's not forever".It was deja vu.And not in a good way.My patience was less then in check today.I lost sight in some moments, that these are little guys who's life has been turned upside down.How do I make this better?How do I pave the way as not to leave wreckage along the way?These boys deserve more.My older girls deserve more.Zoey most especially, deserves so much more.Do I feel we are entitled?Maybe.Dues paid ...... I think so.Have I left unrepairable scares?Sometimes I think so.I made apologies all day long.Bedtime has always been our time to make amends.Children are so forgiving.Often more so than we are on ourselves.Being home,without Zoey,is beyond difficult.Even knowing Mark is with her.I have been blessed to have been able to be at with my children all of their lives,everyday.Being away from them has always left me with a feeling of missing something,a part of my very self.With Zoey,that feeling is magnified exponentially.I feel a literal ache in her absence.When I am at the hospital with her it is much easier to shut off the world back at home but when reversed I cannot resist the urge to not drive back down there and be with her.Hold her.Kiss her.Be still with her.How do I stretch myself in so many directions and still give to all, what they need?I can't.I can try but in the end,I can't.So once again I am forced to accept that which I cannot change.Surrender once again.Today Zoey continued her streak of amazing days.Mark said she was playful,smiling and she ate ...really well.We are beyond thankful that our prayers have been answered and Zoey has weathered this last week in such true Zoey form.We stand in awe of her grace under pressure.Her numbers are down but not quite zero.We are anxious for her ANC to hit zero and then we would know we would be on the upswing before long and possibly be sprung for a week or so before Round Two.Today has been an emotionally difficult day.I let my kids down today.I let myself down today.I quite frankly believe I let God down today.Yes,tomorrow is a new day.But what will it bring?Try as I might,I start off positive,ready to take on the world but somehow, sometimes, that all slips as the day progresses.As reality pays me a visit.A sometimes gentle but often an in your face reminder, that we are all a family living,or at least trying to live,in the wake of an unwelcome visit from cancer.How is it that Zoey seems to be fairing the best.Is it because she dwells in this constant state of grace?I think so.We thank God for seeing her through this past week.For easing her way and strengthening her body for what ever lies ahead.In the end, she comes first right now.All of us have the same end goal.To bring Zoey home healthier and stronger than ever before.Remaining strong and united as a family may prove to be just as big of a challenge.We remain faithful and hopeful that we will all emerge as unscathed as possible.Especially Miss Zoey.Pray for our tiny fighter.