Monday, April 27, 2009

Zoey made counts to begin her final round but .....

..... there is no bed available for her. I cannot believe it. There is always a bed waiting and when there is, she doesn't make counts and today, her final round ready to start and no beds. A bit of frustration that made for a very long day. An emotional day. A day filled with a whole lot of waiting time for me to ponder the happenings of the last 6 months. And here we are. We have arrived. Zoey has arrived. Her tiny body has been put through the paces and she has barely missed a beat. Her strength, her resiliency, her courage has taken her to this moment. Her indomitable will to survive has taken her to this moment. Today was the very first day in months that I did not arrive at CHLA with a pit in my stomach. Today I sat, stood and walked waiting for labs, free of anxiety and worry. God brought a peace to me today. A peace that tells me,no matter what, we have done anything and everything to ensure Zoey got to this moment. We can do no more but continue forward with great hope and faith for her future. Zoey weathered the day beautifully. But what else is new. She was fed up with wearing her mask after hour five and who wouldn't be. So at 3:30 we loaded into the car and headed home to wait for a call for an open bed. As I am finishing writing this, at 8:45 pm, I know that tonight won't be in the cards. We will call in the morning and hopefully they will be ready for us. We left her accessed and they sent me home with heparin to flush her line if we aren't back by 3:30 tomorrow. I sure hope we are. Zoey is ready I can see it in her. Strong and ready for this last hard hit. Her doctor looked at her numbers today and said, "Let's do it. We're not going to cure Leukemia waiting around." But we will wait, one more evening, one more day and then we fight, one more time. Zoey fights one more round. And it is a big one. In one week she will be hit with 2 rounds. High dose ARA-C and PEG shots. No count recovery. Scary stuff. Today, as I was helping Jess move some of her things, I was looking at a bulletin board she had put together that hung in her room at her condo. What I found was the following and although I am very familiar with the first stanza, I had no idea there was more. The beginning, from my understanding is the original text by theologian Reinhold Niebuhr with additions under some scrutiny as to the author. Regardless of the exact origins of added verses, this prayer was what I needed today:

"The Serenity Prayer"
God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as He did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

I needed this reminder today. Do you see why I say that I continue to learn from my children on a daily basis? They continue to be my greatest teachers in this life. Thank you Jess. Please continue your prayers for our tiny warrior as her journey continues. I will keep you posted on the events of tomorrow. Should be interesting.


Anonymous said...

how ironic - Zoey is ready and there is no room at the inn. (sad to think how many sick children there are) Hopefully there will be a room today.

Take care,


stephanie said...

We're praying for you all. I'm looking down at the word verification to post this comment, it's WINGS. Zoey's going to fly through this round. I pray that you carry that peaceful feeling you had yesterday, with you.It's going to be all good.We are with you. love, Stephanie

Hope said...

That is very ironic! I'm Praying for beautiful Zoey!

Mommy to those Special Ks said...

Woohooo the last round! We are going to be praying you through it. I know I haven't commented much lately but I've been praying for you all EVERY day! Right now I am praying you get a bed TODAY!

Heather, I don't know if you've thought much about "what next". Treatment is over. No more poison being pumped into Zoey's body and that's SO exciting... BUT I had this overwhelming fear after we walked out those hospital doors for the last time... "We're no longer ACTIVELY fighting cancer. What's to stop it from coming back?" It was hard for me.

I'm not saying that to scare you, as you obviously know, Kennedy is doing GREAT! I just wanted to let you know that is how the end of treatment hit me. I didn't expect it at all and it threw me for a loop. SO even though you may not get that same fear, just know that the end of treatment does funny things to parents... don't feel bad if you're not 100% thrilled... or maybe you will be. Either way WE are thrilled for you! :)

Lacey said...

wow,she was ready fast this time. She's saying, bring it on, I want to get this over with. And so are you. I hope a bed opens up today so you can get in and get out and get on with life. I have to tell you my hubby is smitten with Zoey. He's been wanting a girl for a while now, but he just fell in love with her. He now checks your blog and talks about her often. She really does touch every heart she meets.

dg darling said...

Praying for sweet Zoey daily from UT...

Anonymous said...

Praying that your anxiety free feeling continues. You so deserve to be in a peaceful place. Hope some child at CHLA is lucky enough to go home so Zoey can have their bed. I am happy Jess is coming home for a will almost be all together and you know how we like that!

Reagan Leigh said...

Oh, I was hoping you would be able to have another week at home! At least you're one week closer to having this all over with! I'm so glad to hear that you're totally at peace to start this last round. Thinking (and praying) for you often.

Anonymous said...

With you all in spirit, love, and prayer. Christi Harman

Kristy said...

Zoey is such a love!! Is she ready with her warrior paint on??? Prayers coming your way!! It will be so nice for you to have Jess home..Delaney comes home for good in 3 weeks as well. Nothing like having family close. Go Zoey, kick some bootie at CHLA!!!

just jean said...

It seems that all the signs from Zoey are pointing to a strong finish. It must be a good sign that her numbers reasserted themselves so quickly! I am excited for her that this part of her journey is almost over, and that there are so many happy, peaceful days ahead of her. I, too, had never heard the rest of that prayer from Jessica. Beautiful.

datri said...

Continued prayers for Zoey. Her strength is so inspirational.

sturpin said...

I am so sorry - Sweet, brave Zoey and her strong Mama

Hoping for the very best with this round,

The VW's said...

Praying that a bed opens up soon and that this round goes well!

I agree that children are the best teachers! Thank God for them!

Melani said...

I will continue to pray for you and Zoey.

sheree said...

big bummer on the bed situation. I pray tomorrow you can get this done and over with.


scrappy quilter said...

We are continuing to pray for your little warrior. Hugs..