Monday, April 27, 2009
Zoey made counts to begin her final round but .....
..... there is no bed available for her. I cannot believe it. There is always a bed waiting and when there is, she doesn't make counts and today, her final round ready to start and no beds. A bit of frustration that made for a very long day. An emotional day. A day filled with a whole lot of waiting time for me to ponder the happenings of the last 6 months. And here we are. We have arrived. Zoey has arrived. Her tiny body has been put through the paces and she has barely missed a beat. Her strength, her resiliency, her courage has taken her to this moment. Her indomitable will to survive has taken her to this moment. Today was the very first day in months that I did not arrive at CHLA with a pit in my stomach. Today I sat, stood and walked waiting for labs, free of anxiety and worry. God brought a peace to me today. A peace that tells me,no matter what, we have done anything and everything to ensure Zoey got to this moment. We can do no more but continue forward with great hope and faith for her future. Zoey weathered the day beautifully. But what else is new. She was fed up with wearing her mask after hour five and who wouldn't be. So at 3:30 we loaded into the car and headed home to wait for a call for an open bed. As I am finishing writing this, at 8:45 pm, I know that tonight won't be in the cards. We will call in the morning and hopefully they will be ready for us. We left her accessed and they sent me home with heparin to flush her line if we aren't back by 3:30 tomorrow. I sure hope we are. Zoey is ready I can see it in her. Strong and ready for this last hard hit. Her doctor looked at her numbers today and said, "Let's do it. We're not going to cure Leukemia waiting around." But we will wait, one more evening, one more day and then we fight, one more time. Zoey fights one more round. And it is a big one. In one week she will be hit with 2 rounds. High dose ARA-C and PEG shots. No count recovery. Scary stuff. Today, as I was helping Jess move some of her things, I was looking at a bulletin board she had put together that hung in her room at her condo. What I found was the following and although I am very familiar with the first stanza, I had no idea there was more. The beginning, from my understanding is the original text by theologian Reinhold Niebuhr with additions under some scrutiny as to the author. Regardless of the exact origins of added verses, this prayer was what I needed today:
"The Serenity Prayer"
God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as He did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
I needed this reminder today. Do you see why I say that I continue to learn from my children on a daily basis? They continue to be my greatest teachers in this life. Thank you Jess. Please continue your prayers for our tiny warrior as her journey continues. I will keep you posted on the events of tomorrow. Should be interesting.