Thursday, May 14, 2009
Finding Our Way ...
The days are going at warp speed in some moments and in other moments so very painfully slow.Painful to my heart mostly.I find myself frantically trying to "fix" everyone.Comfort everyone.Bring joy to everyone.Much to my dismay I fail on all fronts.Seriously,who the heck do I think I am?Egotisticly thinking am able to take this away from everyone,be it a parent or most especially a patient,hardly.But I continue to try because I quite frankly do not know what else to do.The stories on the 4th seem to be converging in a strange circular kind of way.Zoey and I are surrounded by some of our very favorite people up there.Each one,battling and fighting and battling some more.These children and their families are my hero's.My courage.My strength.They bless me and remind me of purpose and plan.And since fixing and repairing and waving my magic wand seem to be futile .... I pray instead.As I leave CHLA on my nights off,I barely make it out of the parking garage before I break down.I manage to keep it together and run on autopilot most all day long but as soon as I am alone ... it is all over.The events of the day are replayed over and over in my head and my helplessness and inability to fix this "thing" for everyone is absolutely overpowering.So I pray and that is all that seems to work.And then I pray some more.I will continue that tactic, as it seems to yield far better results than my superwoman complex could ever accomplish.I was reminded by a sweet friend's email tonight,to not spread myself too thin.I fear that is advice that comes a bit too late.I am not merely thin,I am paper thin.Only mode I tend operate in.To my friend,thank you for being just that ... my friend.I am lost without that support.Pray for my little love,her warrior friends and perhaps,for good measure,one for me.I am on the edge ... again and I would prefer to not have to use my wings.The arms are tired once more and the mind is mush and the heart is heavy.I am needing to dig into my reserves to sustain me for the duration and it is absolutely,positively exhausting.Speaking of which,12:45 am .... time for me to turn in.Thank you once again for your steadfast friendships and your loving prayers.all of which never go unnoticed.
* Miss Zoey is TIRED.Tired but darn cute.Her white is .3 folks which is well,practically zero and not conducive to fighting off infection.Her platelets are getting eaten up again, even after the transfusion and her ANC is so low that they can't even calculate it.This is all expected and expected is manageable.Manageable I can handle,it is the unexpected that I just can't handle in my fragile state.Not the most flattering pictures of Miss Z,she was busy looking everywhere except the camera but this picture is more about her two buddies rather than her.Zoey's two friends in the picture are Jayden,our round 3 roommate and as luck would have it, our roommate now as well.We couldn't be happier.The other sweet child is 10 year old Klein.Klein is one of those old souls with the most caring and compassionate hearts.Klein is in need of some serious,serious prayers.His road has been hard already and his journey is nowhere close to being over.Pray hard for this guy.He is remarkable.Truly remarkable.