Thursday, June 25, 2009

An Unspeakable and Ultimately Profoundly Unfair Journey:

Tonight I headed out to do my run.Did not feel like tackling another 4 miles, two nights in a row but I went. My motivation as I struggle to finish is always the same: I think of my 4th floor warriors. Not a cliche. Not a line. They are my inspiration. Tonight my legs were heavy but my heart was even heavier. A great deal of the day was spent checking the blog, texting and leaving messages for our little fighter Pablo and his family. Last night ended with Mr.P being my final check before I turned in. I found a recent update from his dad Jeff. A fever landed them in the ED but luckily they were heading home. A sigh of relief and off to bed I went. What a difference 24 hours makes. Tonight news has come that again they will be heading home, this time for good. No more fighting, in the words of his dad. Pablo is nearing the end of his valiant fight and quite frankly I am pissed. Again. I love this child. I love his family. Another child. Another family. People wonder why I have changed and have become bitter. Read for yourselves here. Then find a purpose and plan. I know that one day I will see clearly the reasons. At least I hope I will. Tonight I am mad at God but yet, I still turn to Him. I would not be able to do justice in this brief post to the light and beauty this child has brought to our little corner of this world. He is one remarkable child, whose presence in a room changes the vibe and brings joy to those who are lucky enough to catch a glimpse of it. Pablo is a character of all characters. He is a wise beyond his 6 years, costume donning, miracle of all miracles. The day that 4W was "overbooked" was one of the most fortunate days of my life. Because that day as I headed down the halls of 4E, I spied a bald headed beauty of a boy and thought, where did that little guy come from? Boots on. Mixture of hospital garb and miscellaneous pirate stuff, gave me an inkling we were not talking about some ordinary little fellow. On the contrary. Extraordinary more like it. I love you Pablo.As I have said to your mom and dad, I am blessed and better because our paths have converged. I so want you to keep traveling alongside me. More importantly, alongside your family. The journey has not been nearly long enough. Castelaz family, the Needham's love you.

16 comments:

Michelle Paschen said...

Heather, my friend, I am so sorry about the sad news of Pablo. I am praying for his family, that they will feel the peace of God as they struggle through the coming days.
I pray the same for you. I cannot
imagine the pain that you and other
CHLA families go through each time
you lose another child that you have grown to love. I truly am sorry that you have to go through this. And I am devastated for Pablo's family even though I don't know them. Hang in there, my friend. Love you, Michelle

Candace said...

My heart is breaking and tears fall from my eyes as I read your post and then Jeff's. I first heard about Pablo from your site, and began praying for him. I am just so stunned and saddened by this turn of events. I continue to pray and lift them up during this difficult time. NO parent should ever have to walk this walk ..

Anonymous said...

I just viewed Pablo's photos and read his father's latest blog. What an incredible family - this is just so unfair. Sigh, sigh. An adult is one thing, especially a smoker with lung cancer, but a small innocent child with a tumor in lung - inexcusable.


Take care and prayers for Pablo and his family and extended family,



Loraine (Bluebelle)

stephanie said...

Heather, I met P and his family through you and fell instantly in love, What a whirlwind of life and light he is, and always will be.I know your heart is breaking, some day all our questions will be answered,until then stay strong, and keep running for these little sweets. I love you, Steph

libby @ ninesandquines said...

I just read, as I do every morning, Jeff's blog and am in tears....I can not believe how quickly this transpired....he was doing SO well....it really is very unfair...

Anonymous said...

Heather, your late call last night with the news of Pablo, made my head spin. The news took my mind off my own family tragedy and my already broken heart ached for Pablo and his family. I mean cancer SUCKS. It sucks that a 60 year old son, brother, husband and father is taken away so abruptly but a six year old CHILD! It is so unfair and I too am mad at God but yet must turn to him for solace in my grief. Thank you for introducing us to Pablo and his family, you are a true friend.
kathleen

The VW's said...

It just doesn't seem fair! I know that all of this is way beyond my understanding, but it sure is tough trying to figure out why? I'm so sorry that you are feeling this enormous pain again for another sweet child! I pray that God gives you and this family peace, strength and hope to accept His plan! HUGS AND PRAYERS!

Lacey said...

Heather, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this again. Its like losing your own child. Its a catch 22 being in the hospital, you meet great friends and some of them you lose. Its never easy. I'm praying that he stays pain free and goes into Gods arms. And for his family as they lose their little man.

Samantha said...

oh heather, it literally pains me to read this... I cant stop the tears from falling... i can not and will not ever understand in this lifetime why children have to go. It just seems to me that every where you look, children are dying from this beast... yet, it is not something you hear about. It should be in everyones faces till there is a cure. I am just heartsick over sweet pablo and his family. please know that i am praying for him and his family that they feel the grace of God during all of this... and I am praying for you to stay strong for Zoe...

Michelle said...

It is so hard to make sense of this thing called life...so difficult to understand why some sail through without seeing a hospital bed and others are bound there by thier circumstances. All I know is GOD loves us so much, our plan is just that OURS, meant for us and all the people we come in contact with because of that plan. My plan with Preslie brought me to you and other wonderful family...Pablo must be such a valiant little boy, a pure spirit, to be called home so young, so innocent. Unfortunately our children's purity and innocence brings with it a string of complications and string of trials, not for thier suffering or pain, but for our understanding, our compassion, our gain, our blessing. Pablo will be taken home to peace, to perfection, to a beautiful place and his parents will be forever blessed and comforted for their faith, their strength, their unwavering love. You, my friend, will be blessed the same...for STILL turning upward to God, to the One that loves you, and has given us all the beautiful gift of our children. You keep praying, keep turning to HIm, keep the faith my friend and one day, one day after all this mess is over, we will have a better understanding. For now, all we know is He loves us, always and forever as I love you!

sturpin said...

Oh Heather, I am sorry. They are such a loving family. I am sorry that they and you know such sorrow.

Anonymous said...

Heather, am just catching up on the blog, having missed a few of your postings recently. My, how your writing causes me to richly experience the complete range of emotions. I am in spirit with Pablo and his family through love and prayers. The "binder" has a life of its own, doesn't it??? And, the trip to La Jolla, exquisite. Love and peace to all, Christi Harman

Denise said...

Oh...my dear friend. I just left Lacey a post as well about how much I have struggled with both of your blogs. My heart is so heavy at times for you both and then so happy at other times. But I have recently been struggling with what to write. I know it is not a requirement to comment on every post of every blog that I read but its like I want to but can't figure out what to say. I have such love for both of your families as well as many others I have met in blogland and want you to know that I "hear" every word all of you say but I have just felt overwhelmed with emotion this week and can't put my thoughts into words. I think your words are always so amazing and then some commenters (Michelle, you know who you are) write so eloquently as well that I feel almost inadequate or that I am just repeating what everyone else has said. The gist of my babbling...I love you guys and feel so incredibly saddened at your impending loss of yet another friend. Yet at the same time, I am so proud of you (for your running..which I need to donate to) and of Zoey who is doing SOOO amazing!!! Yes, life is crazy and all over the place and I guess all we can do is live out each and every day we are given.

Nancy said...

Heather, I follow Zoey's journey and Pablo through your blog. I like you cannot understand why. I have been following a blog about another child battling cancer. His father's post of June25th was so profound. Here is his link http://www.willlacey.com/

scrappy quilter said...

All I can say is I'm sending hugs and prayers your way.

Jamie said...

I dont even know him and I am brought to tears. Ohhh so sad..:(
I am happy as well to see Zoey looking so well...
Sending hugs via satelite from CT. :)
Madies Mommy