Not the News We Were Hoping For .....

I am a bit numb.Don't know how else to say it except to say it.Writing that sentence is reminiscent of the exact words I wrote when Zoey was first diagnosed with Leukemia but here we are once again entertaining the unimaginable.I won't and quite frankly can't replay the entire day.The basic deal is this:Wednesday we will be having a bone marrow biopsy to eliminate or confirm that Zoey's leukemia has indeed returned.Numbers aren't exactly on our side.Mainly her platelets.To give you an idea,two weeks after Zoey was released from her final round of chemo,her platelets were 277,000.Today a whopping 99,000.Lay mans terms:that completely sucks.I should have known the day was not going to hold the best, as we were ushered into the very room,out of ALL the rooms,the very room where we received the initial news of Zoey's diagnosis.Mark had come by before work and thankfully he was there with me as I just basically said to the doctor"You have got to be freakn kidding me?"and I walked out the door.I returned but wished I didn't have to.I really wanted to just swoop up my baby and get the hell out of there.Sorry about the language but a little known fact to some,my mouth,when I'm upset is to rival a truck driver.And I am upset.I am sad.I am scared.I am completely and utterly confused as to how much one little child should be asked to endure.I will go over it one more time for those who have missed Zoey 101:Down syndrome.Hello??Most people are stuck on that.Not us.We chose life and we embraced it and the Down syndrome thing was and is totally secondary.Actually today,it is far,far down,in fact,dead last on the list.Okay recap continues:Stroke in-uetro ... my 71 grandmother had a stroke.My child?Ok,we'll deal.Transient leukemia .. in a newborn,ok,we'll deal.Major heart defect with a side of pulmonary hypertension ... check we'll go with that one.Infantile Spams ... hold up.Don't want that one.It's nasty but you say we have no choice,ok,we'll figure that one out too.Then the bigger guns come,full blown leukemia because Someone wants to see just how close they can push me to the edge before I break.Took that one and we and MOST especially Zoey carried that load and showed them who was in charge.Well... Someone thinks it might be nice to keep this roller coaster going and I for one want to get off.RELAPSE.OH NO,NO,NO!!!!Hold up and and hold on because now I'm pissed.But hey,who did I think I was.You have all seen it here.PRECIOUS,PRECIOUS little lives dropped not only into the world of pediatric cancer but then as a chaser let's throw in relapse and recurrence.Today I came home and opened my garage and cried because once again I feel like life is about to change.I don't want it to.I love my life right now.It is perfect and it has Zoey in it.I cannot lose her.She is my side kick ,my buddy,my inspiration.She is what we have all waited for all of our lives.Didn't He get that memo I sent.We need her.She represents all that is good.She represent the best of all of us.I got home and made my rounds about the house.Picking up having been gone all day.Putting laundry away.Going through the motions.Watching my boys play innocently and carefree and wondering all the while, is their little live about to blow up again?I watched Taylor cry and say that if Zoey has relapsed she is not going to college in a few weeks.I listened to Jess,our first born act as if everything was alright but knowing my strong firstborn keeps it all in.I talked with Caitlin.I talked with Caitlin about something no mother should ever have to talk to their child about and that was about the potential lose of their sibling.I told her and I'll say it again.If Zoey has relapsed I WILL NOT PUT THAT CHILD THROUGH ANOTHER THING.NOT ONE OTHER.I watched my husband keep it together,for me.Hold Zoey,his little girl,his daddy's girl that he finally got and I watched him choke back the tears.No one should have to go through this.No one.Most especially a beautiful little child.That's all I got.I will let everyone know how it plays out on Wednesday.My girlfriend called me when we were waiting on a second set of numbers and she said,Heather just pray.I do not have it in me.I just don't.Please do it for me.For Zoey.