Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Alrighty then ....

Well,it seems as if,the longer I go between posts the harder it becomes to get back in the groove of things.And seriously,it's not as if I don't have ample material to pull from on a daily basis.I find the dilemma becomes,what do people want to read and hear about?Do they want the cutesy stuff?The funny and the fluff stuff?Cuz I got that.Or,do they want the heavy stuff,the sad stuff,the probably make you cry in your coffee stuff?Cuz I got that too.Balancing.It has become the story of my life.

It seems to me, over time, this blog has evolved.And that isn't all bad.It means,that in this amazing,never taken for granted moment,we are not dodging one major medical crisis or another.I take that for what it is and that is,all good,for this very glorious moment.However,we still got stuff.Doesn't everyone?And if you tell me no,sorry.I'm not buying it.So,in my house,what we have is primarily emotional stuff.Stuff that you so wish could be washed off in the shower on a daily basis.If that were the case and truly that easy,I am fairly certain,that I'd be rubbing my skin raw.The shower continues to be my most vulnerable place.The place I feel most exposed in and freest to just let loose and let go of that which seems to be weighing heaviest on me and on some days,it is the place I do my very best praying in.Void of distractions.So pray I did this weekend.Pray I did.

This past weekend,the littlest love and I flew solo in the absence of Mark and the rest of the crew.Very strange for me.I really didn't know what to do with myself.Wandered aimlessly around the house for a bit before I decided we should go out and about.Loaded up Miss Z and headed,well,I wasn't sure exactly where.So I drove and we ended up at our favorite,or I suppose between Zoey and I,it is my favorite restaurant,California Pizza Kitchen.Zoey was very unimpressed with my choice and told me so by throwing anything and everything within arms reach,grunting at me,which is her equivalent of "no,I want out of this chair,don't look at me,don't touch me" and a host of other temper tantrum type things wrapped into one.She finished off by having the most horrific blow out diaper ever and that was my que folks, that it was time to go.Immediately.Well,not before a visit to the bathroom where I did my usual Houdini act of cleaning the girl wonder up,while never having her or any of her body parts, touch the ground or any other bathroom surface for that matter.No small feat when your child does no weigh bearing what so ever on those teeny,tiny legs of hers.Deep breath and quick hand wash and I was outta there.I exited the building and immediately stopped next door and proceeded to devour a ginormous cup of soft serve yogurt with about 6 different candy toppings and hot fudge to boot.Yeah,fun it was not.Zoey just wanted to go home.Seriously just wanted to go home.This was not a good time for her.She signed home like 5 times and so I obliged.As I drove, I thought,this no walk in the park.This will get harder and I would love to think that things are normal and regular and it's just me and my buddy doing girl stuff.But it's not.It wasn't.Will it ever be?I honestly don't know.I was sad.But only briefly.That's my mode of operation.I need to go to that dark side and then just as quickly emerge and bask in the light.I need to repeat and repeat and repeat,how incredibly blessed and lucky I am to even have my daughter.Blow out diaper to her shoulders and all.I am blessed and lucky.

The next morning,as I showered,I cried.Feeling guilty for admitting that this road can be hard,for in some way I feel that that admission diminishes my gratefulness of these times.I cried for my girl who struggles each day to do the simplest of tasks and, as those tears fell,peering up at me from outside the shower door was the most angelic little face,signing "cry",smiling at me,as if to say,"It is okay mom.I am okay.

And finally,connected to all of the heaviness in our lives,I cried for my mother and father,who 18 months ago,allowed selfishness and pride fullness to stand in the way of all that is truly important in this world and walked out of all of our lives.Every single, solitary one of us and have never looked back.Not once.Not ever.Looked back.

So there it is.The tip of the iceberg of our heaviness.The last of which,the heaviest of all but somehow,in the utterance of the latter a freedom comes.A truth hiding in our journey of the last year and a half,a hurt that has no words but one that has left a wreckage devoid of understanding.At least in this lifetime.

That's all I got.Enough,wouldn't you say?Maybe the fluff would have been a better choice.Hard to know.I leave you with a glimpse of the true beauty that binds us all.This child,along with God's grace,will always be enough.Always.

*We are trying so hard to break Zoey's latest,constant habit of grunting,especially while angry.She does this nasty face along with the grunt and we try not to laugh.In the video she shows the progress she is making,which is now a shaking of her head no.Oh so much nicer than a grunt and a body slam!


Claudia said...

Oh friend. If only I could over and give you a hug! Your writing toches my heart, always.

I had one of these moments, the sad ones, this morning while I was at a dr`s appointment being asked..."so, do you have kids? --- ah, I see, but you are so young, you can have others----blablabla. I am so numb when it comes to these kind of talk. On some days the walk ain`t easy.

But you know what? Meeting with you and seeing your new blog layout and the very lovely photo of the beautiness cheered me up.

Love to you!

Peter Olson said...

Very balanced
Keep up the great work

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. John 15:13 (NIV)

Well then, I bet that a mother's love has got to be the second greatest love there is.

Speaking from a child's point of view, "Thank you mom, and may God bless you richly for everything that you do, AMEN!"

Kelly said...

YES, the shower is my vulnerable place too! No hiding those dark days here....however, as quickly as they come is as quickly as they go! You are so right, my friend, it is called "BALANCE"!! And you are not alone!

Stevenson Family said...

Sometimes it's nice to get that kind of stuff written down and out of your mind. Those days have come and gone and now it's time to look ahead again. We all have those days. It is normal!! Also, I LOVED the video. She is a doll!

Sweet Pea's Mommy said...

I think we all have similar moments and I am glad that you were willing to share yours with us. Zoey has a harder time than most kids, even with DS, but she is so beautiful inside and out and I just know that the world is going to see what you and all of us see in her. You are an amazing and strong mom. The moments of weakness only make us stronger and I am impressed with how quickly you pop out of yours. Mine definitely last longer than I would like! Oh well..something else to keep working on. :-)


Kristen's mom said...

I hear ya. I have stuff too. Plenty of it. Not so much fluff these days. Looking for more of it. The road we have the priveledge of travelling is a hard one. I say priveledge because I know we both know it. Doesn't always make it easy, but as I would whisper to Kristen almost daily, "I feel so honored to be your mom." That's what this road is...an honor and a priveledge and thank goodness we know it. My heart aches for you as I do not know what I would do without the support from my family. As you have done for me, now I will do for you Pray.

The VW's said...

Zoey is simply PRECIOUS!!! What a smart and cute girl!

I just blogged about similiar feelings....this life is certainly an emotional one!

I feel badly for letting all of this stuff get to me, since in the scheme of things, I have it very good.....but those darn emotions get the best of me sometimes!

I struggle with the alone time also...what do I do?, and I also struggle with outside family member issues....as if I want to deal with all that too! Life is just too short and people really need to figure this out!

Anyway, I hear you and I can relate. Sorry that sometimes life brings you to "the shower meltdown"....been there lots too, but know you aren't alone and you do have people out there, like me, who think you are GREAT and such a wonderful Momma too! Love and Hugs!!!

Jill said...

Hey girl, thanks for your post, your honesty...and your willingness to share your heart. You are loved in this wonderful community of moms and dads who travel the path along side of you. You are never alone. When you share yourself with us all, it gives us the chance to pray for you and write you little love notes of encouragement and hope. Nate has taken to grunting too when he gets mad or wants to be finished with something! No biggie; he's a kid much like any other who has many moments of sass, loveliness, frustration, affection, fear-it's all rolled up in a lovable package of "little wonder."
Stay strong my friend!

Anonymous said...

Isn't it amazing thing about the shower. It is a very special place where our true feelings & emotions can simply fall just like the water sliding down our skin.(cleansing our body & emotions) And then,-- to see that sweet little face smiling at you through the shower door - wow awesome!

Love the video, Miss Z you are making such progress in your own Zoey way.

Love the story about her actions in California Pizza (other than the blow out issue). I'm thinking maybe she was missing the rest of her famiy too and that was her way of letting you know she wanted to go home mommy just in case they were there. :)

Glad to hear from you Heather, was
getting worried.

Love & hugs to you


PS Peter Olson:
You have such a wonderful way with words!

Just Another Ordinary Miracle said...

So why the exit? We've had our own little situation curious if it is similar. Loves to yous. g.

Proud Grandma said...

I hope your parents realize what they are missing - I have ten grandchildren and 4 foster children and I love them all and am privileged to be a large part of all of their lives - if you lived closer I would consider it a great privilege to be a part of your lives also. We are also foster parents and currently have four children - two of them with quite high special needs and all of our family are definitely our support system.

Amy, a redeemed sheep said...

You bless me...Richly...

I feel so fake on my blog because I cannot write openly about some of the deep sadness I have been dealing with over the last 6 months. The sadness of a foster-child being returned to her parents (she is blessed with DS), the sadness of my daughter who was living secretly with a physically abusive husband (and the joy of rescuing her and bringing her home), the sadness of learning my son's birth mom has MS, the sadness of a dear friend who suffered sever trauma as a child and is now dealing with flashbacks, panic attacks, deep fears that only God can heal and yet has honored me by asking me to walk the path with her...

The walk is not easy, the walk we have on this fallen earth. But we have an Advocate, Who is acquainted with grief and with sorrows, Who has promised never to leave us nor forsake us. What a glorious Redeemer we have in Jesus Christ...

You are not alone and you are richly loved by many....

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

It is hard to realized that even in the GOOD times, they are hard! I am sorry about the diaper change in public - Emily doesn't stand up either, so I can definitely sympathize as to how hard that change was. I did smile when you said she was signing "home". She sure knows what she wants, doesn't she.

I'm sorry about your parents. I don't even know what to say. I can't imagine someone close to you and Zoey walking away from that beautiful princess.

On a totally different note - are you involved with DSALA? My friend and I are going to the cruise in January! Have you considered going? :)

blogzilly said...

I love you.

I'm so very, very sorry about your parents and so very, very grateful for the way you expose your raw emotions to us.

I think you should never worry about what blog readers want to read. Write what YOU want to write. If people want to read it, they will. If they don't, they won't. Eff 'em.

People gotta love you for who you are, or they don't understand what the word means. Period.

Rochelle said...

I am so sorry to hear about your parents. I know that is very painful. I am glad you shared it because I will lift you up to our Father for healing and understand and hopefully reconciliation.
The video is great. Zoey is awesome! I also love that she met you at the shower and comforted you. Priceless.
I know you know this but, God is always there especially on those hard days just carrying us through.
Love & hugs to you my friend,

Angi said...

Love your honesty, you are real, people don't need sugar coating, life is tough sometimes, the wonder girl will always bring you back and if that doesn't happen quick enough ....you got all the other loves to reel you back in:-)

FYI..Mazzy fed the puppy rocks today and then took her own poopy diaper off...I would have taken the Zoey love and her shenanigans:-)

Melissa M said...

While I like hearing about the fun stuff and LOVE the pictures of Z, I consider the people whose blogs I read as friends. As just like my IRL friends I expect and want to hear the good along with the bad. I'm so sorry to hear about your parents and can only imagine how much that hurts. Since I can't make it better all I can offer is lots of HUGS!

Penny said...

Such a journey this thing called life is. The baggage..... oh the baggage sometimes just overwhelmes us. I think for me it needs to every once in a while so that I can cry a bit and then take stock of all the blessings in my life.... they outnumber the bags even on a bad day.
So sorry for your parents, they has chosen a path that will steal memories and love from them that they will never find anywhere else....
You certainly ended with a bang! Love Love Love the clip of Zoey! She touches my heart so much. From your cloaked giggle she touches yours too!
sending you hugs from a blogland friend!

thepiersolfamily said...

Hi Heather,
Love love love you. Love your post. And I am SO glad you are writing so I can still follow from a couple states away. You are so dear to my heart. Will miss you so much. Hope you keep writing.

tish said...

I LOVE my Zoey!! And I LOVE YOU, my friend. I am praying for peace in your heart as you continue to inspire.

Tina said...

I know what you mean about the good days and the bad and the good moments and the bad, I usually let the bad moments pass by before I even realise thay have hit me. I know I mostly live in the present perhaps it's a way of not dealing with the reality of what the future might have in store. There are days when I think about the kind of realationship Saira and I can possibly have, I hear about friends you have daughters and the special bond they share, as you must be knowing with your girls and I wonder if I will ever get to share anything close to that with Saira. I really don't know what to expect of the future and sometimes it scares me. Thats when I push it away from my thoughts and go back to living in the present. Am I living in denial, don't know.

I'm sorry to read about things with your parents being the way they are. It's really very sad. Our relationship with my mom-in-law went down the drain pretty much after Saira's birth. I choose to have as little to do with her as possible, but thats a another story. Till this day she has not given Saira one single thing, not even a piece of candy forget a birthday present, she's seen her perhaps 3 times and that too only by chance, but I rather have it this way than make pretences, she doesn't realise what she is missing, but then I don't think she is capable of understanding. I feel free and and want to surround myself only with positive people who make me happy and who love my Saira just the way she is.

You are a wonderful mother who is doing such an amazing job with her children, Joe included (just read you latest post) and I realise it must be hard but your dedication, love, patience and most of all guidance is going to help Joe so much, he will surely grow up to be someone who makes the right choices (unlike your brother) and someone you will be proud of. Take it one day at a time however testing times might be. Thinking of you and sending you loads of love.

Googsmom said...

I love ya Heather!!

Jeana said...

I really appreciate your honesty, this is real and the truth is the truth. I'm so sorry about your parents walking out of your life, that breaks my heart. Heather I hope you know how amazing you are. You have been so selfless to share you little girls life with the world and have changed it for good, especially in my life. You gave me hope when it seemed everyone else was taking it away...and oh how you were right. I just look at my little girl in awe when I think about how far she's come. Just the past few days I was feeling sorry that she isn't the "best" baby food eater. Luckily I had a trip down memory lane and remembered all that she has overcome....and the fact that she is eating as well as she is, is truly a miracle. Thanks for showing us the way.

Kele@ said...

I know how hard this post was.
I am proud of you.
I am sad for you.
But mostly,
I am so very, very sad for your parents and other family members,
they are missing out on the lives of all 6 of your amazing children,
I can't think of anything more heartbreaking.
I love you girl!

Melani said...

This made me sad. I feel for you and the family. I don't have a lot to say on this, except you do have amazing children and wonderful friends, a great family! :)

libby @ ninesandquines said...

Heather, I am catching up after being gone for a few weeks....wow...your statement about your parents made me catch my breath. You see, my two sisters and I (we are in our early 40s, 50s and 60s, all 10 years apart) have to have a conversation tonight with our mother about our two brothers (one in his late 40s and the other in his late 50s) that will likely tear her apart....we fully expect her to walk away from us because what we will be telling her will be nothing short of shocking to her. Things that we have hidden about them for too long. And she has threatened before that, if we "can't all get along" that there will be no more family functions if they are not included. Well, we've gotten to that point. Your pain is my anticipation. There are so many other things going on behind the scenes as well with my mother that are based on her selfishness and blindness and so many other things that you touched upon in your post about Joe that I can't help but KNOW I was led to check in on you today for that reason :-) Bless you dear sister in life....