Alrighty then ....

Well,it seems as if,the longer I go between posts the harder it becomes to get back in the groove of things.And seriously,it's not as if I don't have ample material to pull from on a daily basis.I find the dilemma becomes,what do people want to read and hear about?Do they want the cutesy stuff?The funny and the fluff stuff?Cuz I got that.Or,do they want the heavy stuff,the sad stuff,the probably make you cry in your coffee stuff?Cuz I got that too.Balancing.It has become the story of my life.

It seems to me, over time, this blog has evolved.And that isn't all bad.It means,that in this amazing,never taken for granted moment,we are not dodging one major medical crisis or another.I take that for what it is and that is,all good,for this very glorious moment.However,we still got stuff.Doesn't everyone?And if you tell me no,sorry.I'm not buying it.So,in my house,what we have is primarily emotional stuff.Stuff that you so wish could be washed off in the shower on a daily basis.If that were the case and truly that easy,I am fairly certain,that I'd be rubbing my skin raw.The shower continues to be my most vulnerable place.The place I feel most exposed in and freest to just let loose and let go of that which seems to be weighing heaviest on me and on some days,it is the place I do my very best praying in.Void of distractions.So pray I did this weekend.Pray I did.

This past weekend,the littlest love and I flew solo in the absence of Mark and the rest of the crew.Very strange for me.I really didn't know what to do with myself.Wandered aimlessly around the house for a bit before I decided we should go out and about.Loaded up Miss Z and headed,well,I wasn't sure exactly where.So I drove and we ended up at our favorite,or I suppose between Zoey and I,it is my favorite restaurant,California Pizza Kitchen.Zoey was very unimpressed with my choice and told me so by throwing anything and everything within arms reach,grunting at me,which is her equivalent of "no,I want out of this chair,don't look at me,don't touch me" and a host of other temper tantrum type things wrapped into one.She finished off by having the most horrific blow out diaper ever and that was my que folks, that it was time to go.Immediately.Well,not before a visit to the bathroom where I did my usual Houdini act of cleaning the girl wonder up,while never having her or any of her body parts, touch the ground or any other bathroom surface for that matter.No small feat when your child does no weigh bearing what so ever on those teeny,tiny legs of hers.Deep breath and quick hand wash and I was outta there.I exited the building and immediately stopped next door and proceeded to devour a ginormous cup of soft serve yogurt with about 6 different candy toppings and hot fudge to boot.Yeah,fun it was not.Zoey just wanted to go home.Seriously just wanted to go home.This was not a good time for her.She signed home like 5 times and so I obliged.As I drove, I thought,this no walk in the park.This will get harder and I would love to think that things are normal and regular and it's just me and my buddy doing girl stuff.But it's not.It wasn't.Will it ever be?I honestly don't know.I was sad.But only briefly.That's my mode of operation.I need to go to that dark side and then just as quickly emerge and bask in the light.I need to repeat and repeat and repeat,how incredibly blessed and lucky I am to even have my daughter.Blow out diaper to her shoulders and all.I am blessed and lucky.

The next morning,as I showered,I cried.Feeling guilty for admitting that this road can be hard,for in some way I feel that that admission diminishes my gratefulness of these times.I cried for my girl who struggles each day to do the simplest of tasks and, as those tears fell,peering up at me from outside the shower door was the most angelic little face,signing "cry",smiling at me,as if to say,"It is okay mom.I am okay.

And finally,connected to all of the heaviness in our lives,I cried for my mother and father,who 18 months ago,allowed selfishness and pride fullness to stand in the way of all that is truly important in this world and walked out of all of our lives.Every single, solitary one of us and have never looked back.Not once.Not ever.Looked back.

So there it is.The tip of the iceberg of our heaviness.The last of which,the heaviest of all but somehow,in the utterance of the latter a freedom comes.A truth hiding in our journey of the last year and a half,a hurt that has no words but one that has left a wreckage devoid of understanding.At least in this lifetime.

That's all I got.Enough,wouldn't you say?Maybe the fluff would have been a better choice.Hard to know.I leave you with a glimpse of the true beauty that binds us all.This child,along with God's grace,will always be enough.Always.

*We are trying so hard to break Zoey's latest,constant habit of grunting,especially while angry.She does this nasty face along with the grunt and we try not to laugh.In the video she shows the progress she is making,which is now a shaking of her head no.Oh so much nicer than a grunt and a body slam!