Sunday, February 13, 2011

Resurfacing ...

Been riding out the ebb and flow of life as of late.Some moments have been clear sailing and others,well,others,I have been caught in the under current,struggling to keep my head above water.

As the days have gone by,one by one,and more time has passed between posts,I have wondered,is this how people's blogs eventually peter out and are no more?Because honestly,with each day I don't write,the harder it has been to restart.Not for the lack of material,but actually the opposite.So much to say and no idea where to even begin.So the path of least resistance has become,say nothing.

In a nutshell and in a totally over simplified explanation for my absence,here it is:

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I told Lois' mom that while they were celebrating Lois' life 3 thousand miles away,that I would take Zoey to the zoo and we would write Lois' name in the sand.We really knew her little Butter Bean would approve.

The loss of Lois hit me hard.In the wake of her death I have relived the passing of each one of our precious friends over the last 2 years.I have not yet been able to find peace or understanding with their suffering nor the vast and deep void left in the lives and hearts of their families and those who loved them.Unfair.And beyond my comprehension.I have questions that will not be answered this side of heaven and that,is really what I need to come to peace with.Not receiving the answers to all of my why's.What I find ironic on someday's is, if someone asked me 10 years ago, what I feared the most,my answer in a heartbeat would have been cancer.Here I am 10 years later,fully immersed in the world of cancer,having attended far too many children's funerals over the last 24 months.Not to mention,looking in the eyes of my very own warrior child daily,standing in awe of the road she has had to travel to arrive in this moment.So I am changing things up a bit in my way of thinking.Deciding that my time would be better served not looking for the illusive answers but rather doing something concrete to make sense of the senseless.I have a new adopted mantra:

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me"~Erma Bombeck

Not exactly sure how realistic this is,but determined to give it a shot.

Here are a few more shots from the zoo.We had a great time.Renewed our family membership to the Santa Barbabra Zoo for something like the 20th year running.No joke.Zoey is just at a point where we think she is understanding what the zoo is all about and she was really trying hard to focus and see the animals.We had to see where her gaze was going sometimes to really know if she is seeing the animals.But,she must have loved her day because on the way home,when I was talking to her about the animals,her little mouth rounded and she made the most darling little "oooo"sound for zoo... one of her first "words",ever.Very cool.

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Many thanks to all of you who faithfully come here daily,checking in and praying for us and for loving us.It means the world to us.Really and truly it does.

18 comments:

Mama Mason-Mann said...

Glad to see you're back. I've been thinking of you and worried about you. I figured the loss of Lois was hitting you hard. I hope you find some peace. You are a truly amazing woman that inspires me. So I hope you keep writing. . .

Amy, a redeemed sheep said...

The loss of Lois has hit many of us hard...

Devon said...

You are so beautiful, sweetie. I think this is the first time I have seen you in a picture!

I am so so sorry. You have been there for me through the losses of our SMA little ones, and I wish I could do the same for you in yours and the loss of sweet Lois. I wish I could hug you and cry with you and take you to lunch and try to help ease the pain. I wish I could!!!! But know I am thinking of you--it's something, anyway.

Hugs hugs and more hugs.

Melissa M said...

I'm glad to see you back, and love your day at the zoo. I knew Lois's passing hit you hard, but at the same time, can't imagine how you are feeling at all. Hoping for a little peace for you.

SECRET PEPPER PERSON: said...

Ah missed you so! I am glad you are back. I was just thinking about renewing our zoo membership when we were at the Hospice Family Fun Night watching Winter the dolphin. The Baby was soooooo interested. Thought it might be time to go back to the zoo. Think she'll enjoy it now.

blogzilly said...

Good to see you re-surface, sad to know the weight of the burdens that have been holding you down. They are certainly very, very heavy.

I miss going to the zoo. With Bennett...well, we just can't go places, at least not for a while. We have to wait until we have a little better control over his behavior.

Whether that is achieved through time, therapy techniques, medication, or never...who knows, but with his proclivity for random acts of violence toward anything or anyone with no warning I just can't risk it.

But we used to maintain a yearly membership and went often. Carter loves it.

Scrappy quilter said...

Glad you're back too. You've been missed. And as to Zoey's first word....AWESOME!! There will be many more, all in her own timing. Like you I've had so many questions this past week. It's probably been one of my worse weeks for that. Hopefully this new week will get us through it and on to so much more. Hugs and thanks for such a sweet comment on my blog. You guys are loved. Hugs

Kristin said...

Happy Valentine's Day to your adorable family!

Anonymous said...

Glad you are back on the blog Heather. Was going to put "in a call" today (to you or Mark) or maybe Jess..


Enjoy Valentine's Day with ALL your valentines

Bluebelle

Cammie Heflin said...

:) That bottom picture is absolutely beautiful!

Lacey said...

I knew sweet Lois was the reason for your absence. I hate it, I truly do. I so agree, I still to this day will say cancer scares me more than anything, but so many little ones deal with it every day. None of our close friends that we've lost have been from cancer, but it sucks all the same.
Going to baby Lily's funeral was hard. She was so beautiful, but I nearly hyperventilated. How can any parent do that? No matter who say's its God's will, no parent should have to bury their child. Period!
You know you are an inspiration to me, and your whole beautiful family! Love you!

Gabriela said...

Herzlichen Dank für deine lieben Kommentare und dein grosses Herz für Mirjam. Schade, dass ich nicht englisch schreiben kann, ich würde dir gerne mehr sagen.
Alles Liebe
Gabriela

Kim Steelman and the girls said...

I've been checking on your blog daily for an update...Its hard losing somebody close to you. We love seeing Zoey updates and of course the boys and the older girls..We absolutely love watching your family grow..and we only know you by your blogs....

Tina said...

Life is without answers sometimes and the fact that we never can understand why certain things happen leaves us feeling so empty. I know they say God has a plan and everything happens for a reason, but I cannot ever come to grips with Gods plan when a beautiful little child leaves us. Lois's passing has really hit me, I prayed and prayed for a miracle, she was on my mind every single day and I hoped God would listen to all of us praying but he didn't, and why He didn't will always be a mystery. I can understand how parents question their faith when something like this happens, I hate to admit this but I have had moments of questioning mine after this.

It certainly makes us stop and reevaluate what is important in life, what we are here to do and what really matters. I kiss and cuddle my kids like there is no tomorrow and am so thankful for them and for their health, but the unfairness of life still lingers on at the corner of my mind. Lois will be missed so very very much.

I loved the pictures at the zoo, in one of them you can actually see Zoey looking so intently at the birds like she's trying to figure out what they are, what better way to celebrate Lois's life and yipee to Zoey on her 1st (?) word. That is so exciting!

Anonymous said...

I have to agree with Cammie - that last photo is a beauty - a keeper for sure!

Aunt Bluebelle

The VW's said...

Blogging is so bittersweet. We get to vent, we get to share, we get to meet wonderful families, we gain more family, and we fall in love with so many sweet kiddos.......but that's the problem.....we fall in love, and we share, and then we hurt so much for one otherwhen someone is going through a trial, and especially a death!

Some days I just want to stop blogging, because it just seems too unbearable to have the "weight of the world" on my shoulders. But, then I think of all my new "family" and realize it's all worth it, even if all I can do is pray for them and leave them a comment that might just help them in a small way.

I've been to Lois's site many times since her death, and I just stare at her picture and feel like dying inside. I imagine the loss, as the mom to this angelic little girl and I can hardly breathe! All we can do is pray...and hope that God gives these families grace and peace to carry on.

But.....it's so, so hard!

Love and Big Hugs!!!

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

You AND me, sister. ((hugs)) I am in a posting funk, trying to get out of it. Like you said, more time away gives you more to try and catch up .. and it feels hopeless!

We love the Santa Barbara Zoo. Everytime we go to SB for vacation, we go to the zoo.

Mommy to those Special Ks said...

So heartbroken over Lois... have you talked to her mom at all? I wish they would post an update and let us know how they are doing... I've been praying for them every day.