Wednesday, November 5, 2014

In search of that light breeze. The sun and the moon. Forever more.

"She let go.
She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear.
She let go of the judgments.
She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.
She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.
Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice.
She didn’t read a book on how to let go.
She didn’t search the scriptures.
She just let go.
She let go of all of the memories that held her back.
She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do
it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go.
She didn’t journal about it.
She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.
She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.
She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.
She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.
She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.
She didn’t call the prayer line.
She didn’t utter one word.
She just let go.
No one was around when it happened.
There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her.
No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort.
There was no struggle.
It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be.
A small smile came over her face.
A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone
- Ernest Holmes.
{post script: after researching this poem, it is more likely attributed to Rev. Safire Rose, a SOM minister, rather than Ernest Holmes}

Resurfacing after 3 1/2 months.  Not sure why.  It just seemed like the thing to do this morning.  As a person who totally over thinks everything, I decided to not analyze coming back to this space and instead, just do it.

My family, those I love the most in this life, are fine.  More than fine. They are all in beautiful places and for that, I am so grateful.  

Zoey is at a new school these days.  A 5 minute walk from our house and is adjusting the only way that Zoey knows how and that is beautifully.  Jessica and Matt are expecting their first baby in February. Which is a beautiful, beautiful thing.  Taylor and Leo are soaking in all the fun that comes with planning a wedding and what could be more beautiful than that?  The boys are just busy being carefree boys, going about their lives with such innocence and ease, and although I know with time, that will change, for now, my heart is at peace with where they are in their lives in this moment.  Miss Charlotte is an eager to learn and oh so darling kindergartener now and such a little beauty, inside and out. And Olivia Grace, well she continues to be such a messenger of healing to us all. I would venture to say, mostly to Caitlin and Danny, that look at her with these eyes filled with overflowing joy. My husband continues to work harder than most anyone I know. Never a complaint. Always looking at life with his ever present "glass half full or at least I have a glass" attitude. Most men, in this life, our life, the family stresses, the pressures of his job and commute, many a man would have crumbled and faltered and failed but not him, he just keeps moving forward.
Which I guess brings us to me.  And that is far too complicated for an initial blog post after so much time.  Suffice it to say, on a personal level, beyond all the abundant beauty that surrounds me, despite all that should sustain me and carry me, I am and have been struggling. Physically with my auto immune issues. Mentally. Because well, I am not exactly sure.  Call it midlife. Call it Post Traumatic, call it what ever you might be tempted to call it, it is what it is and I am trying to find my way through it.  Perhaps coming back to this space that was borne from a time 6 1/12 years ago when I just needed to get some of my internal stuff out, will help. Hard to say.  However, for some reason, here I am.

Searching for that light breeze. The sun and the moon. Forever more.  



Cammie Heflin said...

I have missed you, still love you all bunches.

Anna said...

I love you and this. All of it. The words. The pictures. The feelings. Holding your hand from afar.

Scrappy quilter said...

14I am so glad you are back. I started blogging again too. Just doing it at my pace with no pressure. So nice to see our sweet girl again. Love you

Elizabeth said...

I'm always here, right there beside you. Sending love.

Michelle Bogart said...

I will never stop loving seeing the pics of Zoe ON HER FEET! I hope her Mama starts feeling better soon.

christy said...

I love it when you pop up out of no where!! And, OH! how I love to see a picture of the super-star walking. All good here too. Matthew was officially discharged a few months ago. WOW! That feels good!!!

Shelly Turpin said...

so glad you are back. Love seeing Zoey walking!! Glad all is well with your family. Hoping for peace for you my kind friend

Meg said...

Always so happy to see your words, but sorry you are struggling. The pictures of Zoe on her feet are so great. Glad to hear your family is doing well and hope you can find the sunshine through your beautiful writing.

Peter Olson said...

"Cute as a button" - That's just what comes to mind. :-)

Anonymous said...

Well, well! Hooray!! I hadn't checked for a few days and here you are Heather.. (Actually your mother-in-law asked if I had seen your blog) must have checked the day before you posted it

Love all the photos. Loving that Zoey Grace walking and so happy doing it. Jessica's Halloween top is beyond cute!

And those two other little ones! Makes me smile everytime I look at them (on Barb's facebook or instagram) So I have seen photos, but honestly - there is nothing like this blog!

Take care of yourself Heather!

of course everyone who has seen my comments know Mark's aunt is always in his corner! A hard worker for sure. You each are in your own special way....

krlr said...

So glad you have come back here - I miss you! Wishing you soft balmy breezes, and the sun, moon, & stars. Much love.

Maryann said...


I don't know what prompted me to look up your blog today. But something nudged me. I was a follower since Zoey's battle with leukemia. I hadn't seen any of the posts since you stopped blogging. It warmed my heart to catch up on your beautiful family, "meet" the beautiful Olivia Grace and see the photos of Miss Zoey walking!! Beautiful doesn't quite describe her. I don't know what words can adequately describe her - but radiant does come to mind. She is like the sunshine I see outside my window on this "hopefully" new Spring day. I hope you are all well.

sarah said...

You family members all look adorable :)
Really nice photos and is that Dorothy from Wizard of Oz? :D

Merideth said...

I'm late on this, but I have missed you terribly and I'm glad to hear updates. Hoping to hear from you soon again. So much love to y'all!

Claudia said...

Coming back to blogging, I am visiting your space. Sometimes you just have to let go, yes, but it´s beautiful to come back. One step at a time, my friend. I am sending you strength and comfort and man, you have such a beautiful family. I am very thankful that I can have the chance to sneak into your life, every now and then. I feel much love for all of you, through this invisible bond called blogging. One step at a time, my friend.