Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Brutally honest

I spent a great deal of the day being sad. Not really ever being able to put my finger on the exact reason why. Maybe because the reasons are so very vast. From the miniscule to cataclysmic. From the depths of selfishness,why me,why us,especially why her? To the opposite spectrum of selflessness, why any other mother,father,family and child? A day filled with what if's , past and present. The day was spent in deep introspection in some moments and just plain mindless wandering in others. I cried mostly. I don't feel the anger as often. Does that mean I have come to some level of acceptance? Have I surrendered once again to that which I cannot control?  I do not think I will ever accept this place. Not because I want Zoey to be something different. Because what I want is the daily struggles she endures to be lifted from her tiny body. Made light by some lager power with which I cannot compete. I want joy to reside in my home again. Replace the bitter, stressed, hopeless, inhabitants currently taking it's place. Have I asked too much? Expected too much? Not been obedient and appreciative of the gifts I already have been bestowed? Am I being punished for some past transgression and my child and family are the innocent casualties ? I really cannot wrap my head around it any more. My faith, especially during this Lenten season has been rather none existent. Holy Week, in the past, has always been a priority in our house. However, I am emotionally, physically and spiritually bankrupt, that I feel it will most likely fall to the wayside this year. I am reminded of a quote from Mother Teresa that I found several months back. It was my mantra for awhile but now does not come close to characterizing how I feel. It goes like this"I know God will only give me what I can handle, I just wish He didn't trust me so much." I have sent lots messages letting Him know I am very untrustworthy of late but I suppose He hasn't gotten any of those memos. Today has been a sad day.  

4 comments:

rae said...

big hugs to you Heather... in time all things pass. I bet this blog will prove to be very helpful tool for you to work out everything... it helps to put it out there in the world somehow rather than keeping it locked up inside.
hugs
rae

Beth said...

Thoughts are with you - I cannot imagine what you are going through. Please know others (even strangers) are thinking of you and your family...

Beth

Carey said...

Hi Heather, I'm so glad you started a blog, rather theraputic isn't it? I'm so sorry you had a rough day Tuesday, I'm hoping Wednesday was ten times better and you were able to awake in the morning with a fresh start. Sometimes, okay, lots of times, I get super stressed, or grumpy, then I look at Chelsea's smiling face and think, what do I have to be crabby about? It's really hard to be sad around here for too long. I hope you feel the same way!

chey said...

Heather - you are truly an inspiration. Despite the trials of this past year, you continue to pick yourself up and put one foot in front of the other and carry on. You are a wonderful role model to your children and they are blessed to have you! We love you and you are never far from our thoughts and prayers. Your blog is beautiful. I hope you will find it therapeutic to know the love and support you have from family, friends and yes, even strangers. I wish I was there to wrap my arms around you- Love, Danette