Tuesday, March 18, 2008
I spent a great deal of the day being sad. Not really ever being able to put my finger on the exact reason why. Maybe because the reasons are so very vast. From the miniscule to cataclysmic. From the depths of selfishness,why me,why us,especially why her? To the opposite spectrum of selflessness, why any other mother,father,family and child? A day filled with what if's , past and present. The day was spent in deep introspection in some moments and just plain mindless wandering in others. I cried mostly. I don't feel the anger as often. Does that mean I have come to some level of acceptance? Have I surrendered once again to that which I cannot control? I do not think I will ever accept this place. Not because I want Zoey to be something different. Because what I want is the daily struggles she endures to be lifted from her tiny body. Made light by some lager power with which I cannot compete. I want joy to reside in my home again. Replace the bitter, stressed, hopeless, inhabitants currently taking it's place. Have I asked too much? Expected too much? Not been obedient and appreciative of the gifts I already have been bestowed? Am I being punished for some past transgression and my child and family are the innocent casualties ? I really cannot wrap my head around it any more. My faith, especially during this Lenten season has been rather none existent. Holy Week, in the past, has always been a priority in our house. However, I am emotionally, physically and spiritually bankrupt, that I feel it will most likely fall to the wayside this year. I am reminded of a quote from Mother Teresa that I found several months back. It was my mantra for awhile but now does not come close to characterizing how I feel. It goes like this"I know God will only give me what I can handle, I just wish He didn't trust me so much." I have sent lots messages letting Him know I am very untrustworthy of late but I suppose He hasn't gotten any of those memos. Today has been a sad day.