Like most I suspect, when it comes to explaining ones faith and why it is we believe, or for that matter why we may not believe, we enter very complicated and often controversial territory. That is why I seldom talk about religion here on this blog and why religion and where and how someone may or may not profess their faith, remains inconsequential, in the relationships and friendships that I have. I do not preach. I do not judge. I do not condemn. I do not question. I am Christian. But I also believe that living a life of kindness and being of selfless service to those around you, in other words, being a truly decent human being as you walk through this life, is just as important as anything else. I am certain there are many that could send me countless bible verses to prove me wrong on that, but don't bother. I have always believed that faith is a personal journey, this is my belief, and will always remain as such.
I would be lost with out my own faith. This much I know. It is a faith rooted in the belief that this, this place here on earth, is just a stopping ground. A Station. How do I know this? I don't. I just believe it. I feel it. I have felt it since I was a very young girl. I have no explanation other then that. Have I questioned the plan and the purpose? Absolutely. Have I seen death and dying and suffering that most closest to me, could never imagine? Yes, sadly, that is true as well. I have been angry and shaken in my faith and still, still for some reason, I circle back to belief. But alongside the sadness and despair, I have also seen such beauty, such grace and witnessed and experienced so many inexplicable things during my lifetime that I have no other conclusion to draw, except the same one that has helped propel me through my life thus far. There is more. This is not all there is.It can't possibly be.
I know of no other way. Believe me I have tried. During a particularly dark time with Zoey I said the most awful things about a God who just could not possibly exist. I wanted every cross on my wall taken down. I wanted every reminder of what I once believed, put away. And still, somehow, for some reason, I circled back. Not out of fear of retribution. Which to me is one of the biggest misnomers of my faith. I am not afraid of God. I do not live my life with a fear of not going to Heaven. I instead, just live my life.
I am flawed. Big time. I have made mistakes. Countless. I sometimes swear. Like a truck driver. For sure. And the list goes on and on. Not perfect. Far from it. Just human. Doing the best I can and on somedays, failing miserably. But my faith allows me to be who I am. Which is a constant work in progress. I don't have the answers. Far from it. But I do have my faith. And for me, that is enough.