So Monday arrived and I cannot begin this post without acknowledging that today marks 6 months since my moms death. 6 months. How can that be? In many ways it feels like yesterday that the ever dreaded phone call came from my dad and in others, the scary part for me is, that it seems like forever since I saw her. Like so much longer then 6 months. I still can hear her voice in my head clearly. I can still hear her sweet "Do you know how much I love you?" I am thankful for that but wonder, will that fad over time? Perhaps it will, it more then likely will, and that, the thought of that, makes me extremely sad. But for now I sit with the sweet memories. I miss her deeply. I watch my dad continue to find his way and am both proud and heartbroken at the same time. Missing her for me but mostly missing her for him.
We seem to be on the mend here. I sent Zoey to school and had the intention of picking her up half day, but when I called to check on her, her teacher said she was totally fine. Happy as could be and full of energy. She still has a junky cough but that seems to be the nature of the beast with this virus that is running rampant everywhere and her's having turned into pneumonia, she is liable to hang onto the remnants for a bit after us. For now, just glad to have her better.
And me, well, I am not one to make new years's resolution per se but I really need to make an effort to start taking care of me. Last year was an eye opener for me. Shortly after 2012 began, my body started revolting against me. Literally. The auto-immune disorders I already knew I had, started reeking havoc and then ruptured cysts and shingles and MRSA reared their ugly heads. A new auto-immune disorder was added to the mix and I began receiving gamma globulin shots to boost my good for nothing immune system. Then November came around and when I was ready to get my rounds of shots, I found out my doctor no longer accepted my insurance so ... a 400 dollar office visit and a 200 dollar shot, well, fell to the wayside and I decided I would wait things till after the holidays. Seems, in hindsight, not to have been such a smart move. I am guessing I am going to have to bite the bullet and shell out the cash if I don't want to do another major crash and burn.
In the mean time, what does one do who is run down and lacking sufficient gamma globulins to ward off opportunistic yuckies? Well, how about do another half marathon with 4 weeks training. I know, I know, I have some serious issues. Nothing new there. I am doing it with my future son in-law Matt and its a semi long story of how it came to be but suffice it to say, I don't find the work ahead daunting. In fact, I am looking forward to it. See, for me, running is a release. It is my therapy. I see people running and I want to go out and run. I have a bad day and I want to go out and run. I am sad or mad or whatever and I want to go out and run. Really can only be understood by those who run. Really and truly, running can be addictive and if you already have that type of personality, a personality that does nothing in small doses, running is no different. And if I did not have severe asthma, who knows the distance and the races I would be doing. Most likely, a lot.
While running on New Years day, I was thinking. Not unusual. Some of my best thinking is done while running. I was thinking and wondering and yes, maybe even worrying, about the year ahead. Wondering what it would hold. Worrying about what it might hold. Thinking about some of the sadness and sorrows of the last several years. Knowing full well that the years ahead will most certainly hold more of the same. That is life. No way around it. The majority of those things, out of our control. But what we can control, is ourselves and how we roll with whatever comes our way. And that is what I mostly thought about that day. Even prayed for.
I prayed and asked for grace. Grace to guide me through the beauty and the pain. And sometimes while running, I look for signs. From my mom. Strange uh? Maybe to some. Others, maybe not so much. So that day I am running along. Not so gracefully I might add as my chest was burning from the cold air, my asthma and my bronchitis that was kicking up a notch. Anyway, I was jogging along and I came upon this:
The really cool thing about this was there was nothing after the ' I Love'. It was open ended. And although I don't necessarily think this was a message from my mom, it was just what I need to see that day. I stopped and thought about all the things and people I loved in my life. I thought of all the things and people I needed to work harder in loving in this new year. I thought about the fact that I really do not love myself as much as I should? And I thought about the old adage, "that you can't love others until you love yourself". I thought that that might be a good place to start this year. The loving myself part.
I think that as I have more then reached mid-life, it is about time I started taking care of and loving myself. Too late? I hope not. Gotta give it a try because I do love living life. I do love and appreciate waking each morning and thanking God for the gift of another day. I do not take that for granted. For one moment. I truly don't. But am I living and loving as fully as I should? Absolutely not.
New Year's resolution? Perhaps. I'll keep you posted on how the loving me is working out. I would venture to say, some days will be better then others. So as much as resolutions are not my thing, challenges are. I love a challenge. Brings out the competitor in me. I mostly compete and might I say beat, myself. So I am up for the challenge. Not sure exactly how to go about this non-resolution thing but I am willing to try.
I think I will start by naming one thing I at least like about myself:
I like the fact that I am selfless.
Is that a good thing? For me, hard to say. Some in my life might even have an opinion on that in fact.
So that's one thing. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to come up with another.
Oh boy, this may be harder then I expected...